Almost 30 Posts? Impossible / A Word To Those Who Cared

     First off, I'm going to save my 30th post for next week. That much is for sure. I am NOT going to waste such a grand event!

     Now, onto the more important business...

     I want to apologize to all of those who read and/or commented on my last post.. I'm in a really bad place right now.  Our electric got shut off due to a $1400 bill deficit.  We can't get it figured out until the 15th.  And I'm going to Keven's on the 19th. So we're pretty much screwed.
     But for now, I want to send special, personalized thank you's to everyone who commented.

Jayne: Thank you for your very inspiring words.  I thought of every I had to live for.. Little things I would miss. Holding my boyfriend's hand.. Petting my cat Cookie, and talking to her.. Hearing my little sisters say they love me.. Laughing with my best friend, Laeti.. And most of all..? I really would miss reading all of your blogs.  I'm a coward for giving in to temptation and planning my own death, when I have so much to live for.  I start college on Monday.  I might even be moving in with Keven this summer. Exciting, isn't it? Thank you very much darling. Stay strong, love on.

Skinny Ninny: I commented on your blog, but again, I want to thank you for believing in me and also wanting me to live.  It means the world to me that you, will all of your followers, would care about a stupid fat girl whining on a blog. Thank you.

KK: Thank you dear. I would miss you and your blog as well.  I try to read and comment every second I get.

Louise: I miss texting you more often.  Once you read this, text me, would you? I promise, I'll open up to you more often.  I love having your support. Thank you so much.

kes: As a new follower to my blog, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CREDIT TO SPE- jk, I'm not a gigatic douche. XD Thank you very much for your touching and horrifying story.  If you ever need to, please, speak to me.  Email, text, anything.  I'm always here to help out.

Tiny Rose: Darling, I want you to listen to me, and I want you to understand what I'm going to say next.  I saved you for last, not because you are insignificant to me.  Not because I care the least about you.  After what you just told me, you are now my number one priority.  I will always check your blog, comment, and be there for you.  I don't want you to give up all you've worked for and all you love.  Think about the little things, like Jayne told me.  Wouldn't you miss the smells of your favorite foods, even if you don't eat them..? Or miss the sounds and tunes of the best music? Or what about going on here, and reading my blog.  If I had given up and not been typing this, how would that have affected you? You wouldn't be reading this, and I want you to stay with me, to stay with all of us.  If you ever, EVER need me, you know where to find me, and how to contact me.  Feel free to email me, text me (from phone or from yahoo, I get free everything), or even send me message on Facebook, as you are the only one who added me!  See how dear you are to me? I want you to always be there for me, and I'll always support you.  But I can't lose you, TR, I can't.  And I'll do everything in my power to prevent it.  Stay strong, love.  I'm here for you, and I'm in tears now even, just hoping that I'll get through to you.

     Now that I'm all cleaned up (thank you, Cookie, for bringing me a tissue o.<) I would like to announce that whoever answers the Question Of The Day get added into a picture montage of as many people I can draw!  You guys get to see my LOVELY drawings now! Haha, what a joke.  And the question just so happens to pertain with the drawing...

Question Of The Day: If you made up how you would look, size NOT included, what would you look like?

My Answer: I would have black cat ears and a black cat tail, hands down.  I would have green eyes, bright white teeth, the perfect shade of blue hair in beautful loose curls.  And I'd always wear a collar. A big, huge, chunky collar, for le decoration.  I would wear any clothes I wanted, like skinny jeans and huge shirts that fall off my shoulder and show my bra strap. X//3.. and most of all, I would be at Keven's side.

Please, everyone, give me your descriptions :3 I'll give you until at LEAST Tuesday to come up with them, maybe longer, (depending on the electricity situation).  PLEASE comment and give me your descrriippttiionnss! I want to draw ALL OF YOU D:< Stay strong, love on.

Oh oh, and, as a bonus, I need good catch phrases to put in the picture. File it under "Fuck Me, My Brain In Uncreative". xD Latteerrr.

I'm Going To Kill Myself

     I've decided to kill myself on December 31, 2011. If not, then 2012.  Disaster is no longer a friend of mine.  I want only my ED friends to ever call me Kitty.  I am going to kill myself with sleeping pills. Dozens of them until I don't wake up.  Please do give me any advice that may be helpful with suicide.  Thank you.

Not Very Happy / Disaster Has Struck

     I'm very depressed right now.  Nothing else more to say.

     Oh, and FYI girls.  If you have a yahoo email account, you can text from it for free. So. Again.  Here is my cell phone number.   1-(219)-776-9228.  Please text me at any time.

     On with life... For those of you that are younger than me, please.... Fall in love with someone you can be with.  Even teensy tiny crushes... Make sure they are available, otherwise you will only be hurt in the end.  So many issues lately.. And the worst part? Disaster lied to me.  He hid it from me.  I had a suspicion, and I asked... THEN he told me the truth. Whatever.

     So right now, I'm making my plans to go to Keven's.  His parents are booking my flight right now.  Hopefully, it will help clear my mind.  I miss Keven so much.

     So.. I'm depressed now. Moving on.

Question: How many times have you fallen in love..? If never, who do you wish you could have loved?

My Answer: Wow.. I looked through it all and... Nine times.  I think my love with Keven is as deep as it could ever get. By "falling in love", I define it as you hope you never lose them in your life.  I've lost most of the people I fell in love with.  I guess it happens.

Stay strong girlies.  I'm scared for myself.  I have knives in my room. Blades. And salt.  I deserve the pain.  And worst?  I have a shout out.

Disaster..? Fuck you. You've done this time and time again.  I'm sick of being used for nothing other than a damn rebound, until you figure out which girl to fuck around with next. FUCK YOU. Hope she's as accepting of you as I was.

I Am Horrible At Fasting / Sorry For My Disappearance

     First, I started a fast last Monday night. I failed miserably. BUT! I have learned what makes me calm down.  I eat on a small plate, set out full silverware and make sure my plate is made before I make it to the able, and no food can touch, then I eat a LOT less. So I'll begin doing that. And thank you Sunshinechild for the soup idea! I tried a bowl last night and LOVED it! It's perfect <3 I did it minus the salsa, as I am the worst Mexican ever and can't STAND spicy, but it was AMAZING.  Thinking about making a big batch and saving it for bad days. Haha.  It would be weird to eat that with a full dinner set.. XD But thank you so much!

     On with the world, uh.. Yes, I've been gone. Sorry. I'm checking all of your blogs right now, I swear, and I'm so sorry I've been gone so long x.x I'm organizing my room and packing to go to Keven's so.. bleh. Yeah. Wish me luck?

As I am busy.. ON WITH THE QUESTION OF THE DAY!!!

Question: Do you find a full size body length mirror to be motivating?

My answer: Really, I can't answer this xD I just recently acquired a big body sized mirror from my cousin, Casedy, and have yet to hang it up sooo.. yeah. Give me good output <3

Stay strong girlies.  I'm working on making an exercise scrapbook soo.. tell me any good exercises you know! Thank you!

Thank You To You All

     Thank you all, girls, for everyone who commented on my last, depressed post.  I feel as though I should rename my blog after something EDNOS related, because I think that's more of my... Problem.   I just wanted to say something.  But I'm going to save it for the question of the day.

     Okay, first, let's just fast forward on my life and what I want to do: I want to do something special to lose weight.  Eat soup, broth, etc.  Something liquid and low-cal to lose weight.  Any suggestions? I want to lose a lot of weight before I go to my boyfriend's after Christmas. Oops. Spilled the beans. Well yes, IM GOING TO KEVEN'S HOUSE AFTER CHRISTMASSSS!! X333

     Oh god. I've been feeling so odd today. Blech.  Okay well... i hate to do this but... I want you guys to be able to find me.  Does anyone here have a Facebook made just for their ED buddies? I'm thinking about making one, and I'll post up thinspo and such. Y'know what? I'm gonna make it now. Gimme time..

     Made! My profile is Cryota Avria.  I should be the only one. Haha.  My icon is a heart with Ana & Mia mixed with it.  Please add me ASAP!

Question:  Do you consider me to be a wannabe?

My Answer: Well.. I can't really answer this. o-o So yeah.

Sadness Creeping Again / I'm Not Really Anorexic

     First, about the sadness. Let's start from the beginning. Keven, the love of my life.  We've been dating since September of 2009. Long distance.  We met online and everything, so yeah. Well anyways, I got to go to his house in August of 2010.  Then he came for my prom, April 2011.  Then I paid for him to come here for two weeks, July/August 2011.  It's now November 2011.  I asked his parents if they could pay for me to go there for right after Christmas, and all they're doing is beating around the damn bush.

     On with life. I really don't consider myself anorexic.  I'm pro ana, which I consider to mean that I support those that are anorexic and don't want to recover, or do (cause I'm nice), but I'm not anorexic.

     I've never passed out from not eating.  I've never missed a period because of not weighing enough.  I've never lost hair or teeth or seen my bones through my skin.  Nothing.  I'm not anorexic.  Some say it's not a disease, it's a lifestyle? I don't even do that.  I think about food constantly.  Sure, I don't give in and binge.  I often think about food until I feel sick and can't even eat.  The smell of food has started to make me feel disgusting, and I can't eat.  You know what's worse? Every time I eat, I feel horribly guilty.  Even if it's only something small and insignificant, I feel so bad that I'll go into my room and sob.  I hate it.

     So I'm sorry to all of you who follow my blog, thinking that I'm anorexic like you.  That I restrict food and exercise and lose weight and step on a scale every chance I get.  I don't.  I'm weak and useless, and I apologize to those of you who thought better of me.  I just didn't want to lie about it any more.

     Don't get me wrong.  I want to lose weight.  I hate my body.  I hate being this fat.  I want to be skinny and pretty and feel free, but I can't.  I can't exercise enough.  I can't eat less.  I'm weak.  That's why I started this blog, hoping I wasn't the only one weighing in at a lovely 300 lbs, but I am the only one.  I don't even know what I consider myself pro-ana.  I'm just ridiculous.  I'm huge, I eat, I don't exercise.  I'm not pro ana.  I'm just fat and helpless.

     And saying all that did not cheer me up.

Question: If you were rich, what would you buy?

My Answer: I'd buy a house, completely pay for it.  I'd buy a hybrid car, to save on gas.  I'd move Eric here and go to college and never work a day in my life.  I would get lipo and be skinny and buy tons of workout equipment and never ever ever gain back any of that weight.  Most of all? I would make sure Eric and I had our own room.  We'd sleep together at night and play as many video games as he ever could have dreamed of. And every single Christmas his parents would ask to come here, I would tell them no, so they can feel the pain of rejection every... single... time.

Got My Cat / Wish I Had Self Control

     First of all, I cheered up and got my cat today! I'll post some pictures up later, cause she's adorable and sweet and pretty and lovey and terrified of our cats. Haha.  I don't have a good name for her!  Here, i'll post a picture of what she kind-of looks like.  It's not her, but it's close enough.

See? Isn't she pretty? She's a lot skinnier (haha. irony.) and she has a little less brown on her sides and her paws are all white mittens.  She's so sweet. Ideas for names, anyone?  My ideas are Cookie, Clover, Ana (yes. For that reason), and Stardust or something.  But please, give me any other ideas you can think of!

     Moving on. I am SO proud of myself.  I went to a buffet today. Yeah. Yikes.  Guess what? I "supposedly" had three plates of food.  Guess how much I really ate? Maybe five mouthfuls of anything.  it was mostly fruit so I'm very pleased! And I drank diet Pepsi, so no calories there. And i got a shit ton of exercise by cleaning the whole house.

     Awww.. My sweet little kitty is meowing.  As a note, she meows like Mew from pokemon.  Very little and high pitched and ADORABLE~! I love her so much!

     And about the "wishing to have self control" thing.. I really wish I could fast for a whole day or so.. I can't do it.  I'm too weak.  I did, however get a texting buddy! oh but please, anyone (in the US please) text me whenever you feel like it.  And thank you to Louise for being my texting buddy :3

  S'anyway, time to end dis bitch.

Question: If you were as skinny as you wanted to be, what would you wear that is different from what you wear now?

My Answer: Oh god. Skinny jeans, more jackets, LAYERS of shirts and tank tops and sweaters and etc, pretty scarfs, maybe hats, cuddly wuddly furry gloves and mittens, short skirts and shorts... and lots of fingerless gloves and bracelets. I LOVE accessories and hate it when they can't fit me. So bleh.

Stay strong beauties! And just to remind you all.. Thank you so much to anyone and everyone who ever reads my blog when they can! I plan on cleaning out my blog followings just so I know I'm following blogs of worth.  so if I delete your blog, please don't take it personally.  I just don't follow 1) blogs that don't post often enough, and 2) blogs that post about things I'm not interested in.  Thank you so much everyone!

I need a texting buddy... Badly..

     I am disgusting and gross.  I am filthy.  Covered with rolls of disgustingness that should peel off of this body and make me skinny and pretty and perfect.  I've never seen my collarbones or anything.. I feel gross.

1-219-776-9228

     All cards on the table.  Please, don't feel obligated to tell me your name, or your screenname on here.  But all of you, please, save my number.  Text me when you feel weak.  I won't save your number unless you want me to.  Text me whenever and do what you want..

     but... please...... I need a texting buddy.. somebody to keep me on track... someone out there has to be able to text me... someone...

I live in indiana in the united States, and I have AT&T... So please.. text me.

Question: What odd color would you color your hair if you could/had to?

My Answer: Blue.  A perfect, solid, blue.  Disaster really likes blue hair, and i do too, so it's pretty cool. Haha.

Sorry I've Been Gone So Long

     Just to cut down to the main facts, I have lost a lot of weight recently and my mom noticed.  But, since I'm huge, she doesn't go to "maybe you should stop dieting", she goes to "maybe I should join you.

     So, my best friend, Laeti, has been living with me since May.  Her family got flooded out of her house.  First, she lived with my cousin and her parents lived with me.  Then she moved in with us.  Then her parents moved out.  We've complained to her mom before, saying that it DOES, in fact, cost money to keep someone here.  Her mom gave us $50 dollars. Once. That was it x..x so of course, my stepdad got pissed. But you know what? I agree with him.  We shouldn't have to take care of her kid.  And don't be like "Well she gets money for whatever she needs." Oh yeah? We bought her shampoo and conditioner, body wash, toothbrush, cable, and every piece of food she eats.

Done with ranting. So. Did anyone miss me?

I started cleaning my room yesterday, and my cousin is coming over sometime today to help me finish it up.  We moved my desk over. oh, and I have a random question, that is NOT the question of the day.  I'm starting college in December, and I was wondering if anyone knows how I can get a laptop for REALLY cheap? xD A GOOD laptop.  I'm going to ITT for Drafting and Design. Sooo.. could anyone help me? Thanks.

     I've been doing a lot of things differently lately.  For one, I normally eat a lot. In the past few months, I've started eating less. Well now... I've been eating less, but then I'm starting to binge a lot.. And I know the difference between eating a lot and bingeing.  I eat so much that I feel like throwing up, but then I keep going and going.  It's disgusting to me. 

     UPDATE: LAETI JUST WALKED OUT OF MY HOUSE. I think she might be going to work things out with her mom x..x ugh. It's such a pain. But whatever. We have nothing against Laeti, but whatever xD

Okay, moving on to the end.

Question: What is your favorite PC and DS game to play?(I'm a big gamer.)

My Answers: I LOVE The Sims 1 on PC. I rule on it.  and DS? Probably Animal Crossing: Wild World. Fun and easy.

Stay strong beauties! And wish me luck with all this drama.

P.S.: Again, sorry that I haven't been here so long.  We didn't have internet for a while cause bad weather knocked it out and such. Blech. Sorry girlies (and guy-ies)

And you know what? Special shout out to operationxstarvation. She's not ana, and please don't hate on her or anything.  She's only trying to lose a couple of pounds and she believes that starvation is the easiest route. More power to her! At least she has the guts to admit she is not ana, just using our lifestyle.  Please, follow her blog and give her some support :)

I Can't Get Through My Day Without Blogging!

     Seriously! I sit around and think about talking to you all and hoping that someone commented on my status or ANYTHING.  I always welcome new followers and even people who aren't ana or mia or EDNOS or anything! Even if you're here just to figure out what I'm all about, I'm all for it.  So please. Follow me, comment, anything.  I need to motivation, and as a note..... when you comment on my status, you get the perk that you have a better chance of me commenting on YOUR blog! It's a circle of trust here, ladies and gentlemen.

     So, I'm writing a story. Yeah, random.  It's a surprise for my boyfriend, who wanted me to write about, and I quote, "A journey you take.  Make me your rival".  and this is where you all are like "Make it about ana and trying to be skinnier than him!" Nope. I made it about Candy Land. XD!! It's perfect!  We walk around and the sky changed colors and candy-people attack us (I'm making it a horror version, for Halloween, you know.).  I just hope he likes it!

     Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY JDG! Me and her are trying to work things out.  Already made plans to go Trick or treating with her tomorrow. and we're gonna both be princesses! And she might be able to go see PA3 with us.  Awesome.

     So, i'm lazy. Time for the question ;D Hope somebody answers T...T

Question: What is your dream Halloween costume? Is it thinspo? Scenespo? Something sexy?

My answer: okay, so my answer is kind of stupid but... I would love to be Ramona Flowers from Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World.  My boyfriend said he wanted to dress up as them for Halloween one year, but i know I'm way too fat to pull it off.  But... It's my dream, so I'm going to work to be as small as her someday.

OH! Almost forgot ;D For being the only person to comment on my last post, I would like to send SPECIAL IMPOWERMENT AND STRENGTH AND LOVE to Skinny Ninny!! Thank you so much, girly, for loving me enough to comment <3 Stay strong, darling!

New Name Ideas / Motivated!!!

     First of all, I would like to state that I am NOT allowed to talk to Disaster until I can run for five minutes straight.  Sad that I can't do that, right? Not even running in place, I can't. But I'm going to work every single day until I can. And I am DETERMINED to be able to speak to him again.

     Okay, moving on <3 Thank you all for your AMAZING stats! I wish I was as small as you all.. I'm tall AND I'm fat. Ick.  It scares me sometimes.  So, I would like to state that my doctor made me cry after I realized how big I had gotten.

     Sorry I haven't been commenting on your blogs lately x..x I've been busy with Halloween things! I'm really sorry! Today, though, I did this Pussy Cat Dolls workout (and yes, let me tell you how ironic it was that me, Kitty, did the Pussy Cat Dolls workout. HA.)  I feel amazing though! I feel worked out and buff and thinner and everything!


     Moving on. So.  I have a few hybrid names for my blog that I thought up.  Give me your feedback.

     "Purrfect Kitty: Follow the Leader"
     "Ana Wants A Perfect Kitty"
     "Kitty Will Be Perfect Now"
     "Imperfect Body: Imperfect Kitty"
     "Meow: Kitty Will Be Purrfect Now"

     Okay.  I realize how lame they sound. Stfu.  Tell me what you think.

     So, since I'm babysitting and kind of busy, let's just get to the question of the day xD

Question: What's a good dance to learn that's also a good workout but would be fun too?

My Answer: I've always wanted to learn the "Jar Of Hearts" dance from the music video <3 It's all flowy and such. I'm referring to the dance the background girls do in the street. LOVE it.

     Oh, before I forget, I have a few scratches on the back of my hand.  I want to take a picture of them to show to you guys what it looks like.  And I dressed up as a princess for Halloween, and was amazed to discover that the dress I wore the winter of my junior year is now too big on me <33!!!

     So, wish me luck on being able to run for five minutes straight.  I want to be able to speak to Disaster again without seeming fat and disgusting and worthless to him....  Even though I'm not, kittys, stay strong, be perfect. xoxo

-Cryota

New Blog Name Ideas / Paranormal Activity 3 / Doctor's Visit

     Let's start off this, rather short, blog post by saying that I am listening to your blog name ideas :3 and listen.  Just cause you haven't been following me for long, doesn't mean you can't give me ideas for a new name!

     Here's a few random names (I'm sorry! I only have the names right now, I'm just gonna list them and such.).

Purrfect Kitty
Meow: Kitty Will Be Perfect Now
The Special Kitty
One Kitty Life

     And here's my opinion.  I like the Purrfect kitty thing x3 it's cute. Its adorable. 
     The "Meow: Kitty will be perfect now" I really wish I could make it sound more poetic.
     I don't really like "the special kitty", but I like the thing about cats having nine lives.  I think kittys should have ten.

     And yes, I know that "kitty", plural, should be spelled "kitties", but I think "kittys" is more to my.. word.  I think we are all kittys.

     Whoa. Revelation.

     EDIT: Do not send my new blog names. I have an idea. Just gonna derp around with it for a while.

     On to Paranormal Activity 3! I get to go see it tomorrow! I'm so excited.  I love PA one and two.

     Saving the best for last.  I went to the doctor today for my first Yearly.  It wasn't that bad.  Okay, moving on.

     You all know that I am overweight still.  Well, the doctor brought it up. He told me that everything down there seemed fine, but that my weight was unhealthy. ....Like I don't know that. Great. Now even my doctor judges me.  After he said to "start thinking about exercising and eating right".. Well.. I broke down on the way home.  I want to lose this damn weight.. I always feel horrible.  I hate being in public.  I hate being alone.  I've constantly been cutting lately.. and I don't consider myself a self-harmer.  But I do this thing I call "scratching".  I scratch a small line on the back on my hand, about three lines, until I break skin and I keep scratching until it bleeds.  It feels amazing.. No one suspects a thing.  Then, I found this very sharp knife in our kitchen.  I accidentally cut myself.  ..Figured I should save the knife in my room, and I have a few little scratches on my wrists now.  Nothing too much.

     Time for the question of the day, because I'm curious as to how much larger than my followers I am..

Question: How much do you weigh, currently, in pounds?

My Answer: I'm disgusting to say that I weigh 280 pounds.  Do you know what that means? It means I've gained 11 pounds in a few days.  A little over a week? I'm not sure.  I'm disgusting and fat and worthless..

Stay Strong, Kittys. xoxo

Ideas For Thinspo/How Much Disaster Means To Me

     Let me start off by saying, thank you all, girls, for all the support <3!! You guys are all amazing. Thank you so much <33 I'm doing a lot better lately just because you guys are all commenting and supporting me!

     Next, I want to send a special shout out to my best friend, Disaster.  He's always been there for me, and he constantly supports me with my pro-ana beliefs.  He even wrote the poem at the top of my blog now.  He calls me as often as he can, and he's still in high school, and we've been friends for about three years.  I love you so much, Disaster <3 thank you so much for everything you've done for me.

     Okay, back to the topic of thinspo.  I constantly look for thinspo that helps me think of that "Perfect Kitty" look.  Disaster helps me to feel beautiful, as does my boyfriend.  It's just.. mrr. If you know what it's like to have both a boyfriend and a great guy friend, then you'll understand.

     Okay, so, moving on.  Anyways, Disaster helps me to be a better person, and my new theme for thinspo to look for is "Perfect Kitty Thinspo". I'm going to make a new page on my blog, which is my exact ideal body type that I want.  I want to be skinny, have a waist, and be perfect and light.  I want so badly to be a perfect kitty someday.. and I will be..

     So, time for the question of the day. And this one isn't as "personal" are normal, but it's something that might make one of you happy <3 we'll see. oh, and Disaster isn't allowed to answer this question. XD Just for the sake of being fair.

Question: What is a good name for my site? And make sure it involves being perfect and "kitty" :3 whoever chooses the best name, in my opinion, then it will be my new site name.

My answer: I'm lame, but I'm thinking "Be A Perfect Kitty" or "Kitty Will Be Perfect" or something. I want something meaningful ^w^ Thank you, girlies! Stay strong xoxo

Wishing I Had Some More Thinspo / I Need A New Ana Buddy

     Let me begin this post by saying that I love you all so much.  I really needed the support now.  I started the points diet thingy today with TinyRose.  I'll post up the info here, now, I guess.

Intake:
+2 drinking 8 glasses of water
+5 eating only calorie limit
+10 eating under calorie limit
-1 point for every extra 100 calories you consume
-10 binge/purge

Exercise:
+1 10 minutes of stretching
+1 50 crunches, 50 squats, 100 Jumping Jacks, ext.
+2 30 min cardio
+4 1 hour of exercise (dance, yoga, ext.)

Extra Points
+1 getting 6-9 hours of sleep
+1 taking a vitamin (1 per day)

So far today, i am atttt... 21 points! Whoo! Good, roight? Haha. Okay, so, I want some other people to be out there doing this diet.  Tell me if you're interested :3 then I can post your stats on here, or I can link to your blogs too. Just let me know, girlies.

      In other words, my cell phone plan is AT&T, I have unlimited texting... and I need a new ana buddy. The first one i got has like, five, and she constantly ignores my texts or doesn't text me.  So if anyone out wants to be my ana buddy, please let me know! Dx I'll message you my number or whatever you'd like.  I don't work, and I'm not in college yet, so I'm ALWAYS available. Please message me or comment if you can x..x

     Oh, yeah, and as for the first part of my post title, I NEED NEW THINSPO! If anyone can email me a load of thinspo to save on my computer, or even just message me a few links for pictures or whatever, PLEASE help me!  Okay, not much else to say.. Sssooo..

Question: What are your favorite types of thinspo?

My Answer: I really like thinspo of thigh gaps, skinny arms and wrists, small waists, ribs and collarbones showing, and I LOVE thinspo with pale skin or long hair. LOVE IT!!!

Thank you everyone for all of the support. Stay strong lovelies <3

Couple Of Things Just To Rant About

     I fucking hate when people are jealous of you. My EX best friend, JDG, is jealous that I can control myself around food, jealous that my boyfriend loves me more than her baby daddy loved her, and is jealous that my life is easy, whereas she had a child at age 18 and is dropping out of college. Fuck her. Oh, and just to prove how pathetic she is? Okay, you know how when you post something on Facebook about someone, you kind of beat around the bush like "Some people need to be mature"? She couldn't do that. She used my name and, literally, said "Fuck Paige. Yeah, I said it." Worse? Two of my, also, ex friends, cheered her on. Thank god for my mom. She told the bitch that she shouldn't use people's names. And the bitch deleted her post! Ha. So she felt guilty later, but she still has me blocked. Whatever. I deleted her number off my phone, and I don't know it by heart, and I also deleted the other assholes that have any contact with that self-centered bitch.  And you know what? I have so much more class than her. Wanna know why? Cause that dumb bitch used my name, and even with how pissed fucking off I am, I still won't post her real name. She can't say she never did that.

     Next subject. I am very overly emotional. I understand this.  I will constantly be ranting on this blog, some about ana, some not.  But stupid me, I let people get to me. So one to the next FML.

     I have very low self esteem, as it is.  I had a dream last night that my best friend, who will be named Mica, and my sorta friend, sorta ex lover, who will be named Suffocate, both hooked up while in my house, and did it behind my back. They kept lying to me but I found proof and everything.  I woke up crying and feeling worthless and pathetic.  To make matter worse? Suffocate actually texted me this morning, which did not help.  He called me overly emotional and crazy and everything. He doesn't even fucking care, so why is he texting me? Fuck him too.

     Next off.  Another exfriend of mine, who just left me last night really, well.  He knew everything about me. Everything.  I hear voices.  I have different people living inside of me.  It's the first time I'm really admitting this to this blog, or to any mass audience.  Only two people know those things about me, but now the whole world knows. Oops, make it three people. I have a boyfriend. Haha.  So anyways, this person texts me, and i text him back. ....He doesn't answer until midnight. APPARENTLY, he was at his aunt's birthday party and found out all this meaningful stuff, like that she birthed him and such. And apparently, he's been talking garbage about her. Oh, and as a note? This guy I'm speaking of is Disaster. I think he gave up on me, so if you're looking at his blog, waiting to see how it goes, then I must warn you that I bet he gave up on it now that he hates me.  He even still called me "Kitty", which is one of my favorite nicknames ever.... I told him to never fucking call me kitty again.  He always says how much he cares about me and how he would do anything for me (oh and don't worry. He knows his boundaries. I have a boyfriend).  Then he pulls stupid shit like this. but I'll live with it.  Besides, he's done with me now. I think he gave up on me for good last night.

     This is the part where I realize how long I've been typing. Wow. It took me 40 minutes to type all that. Not because I'm a slow typer. I'm actually pretty fast.  It took that long because I'm retarded and kept crying over this stupid shit. Whatever.  I don't need assholes in my life.

     So here's my plan.  I will not text or message or talk to any of these people first.  THEY will have to contact me, which I highly doubt they will ever do.  So really, I'm left with Laeti, who lives with me, and my boyfriend, who will live with me soon.  And my empty stomach.

     My hands are cold. Haha. Sorry, random.  Okay, I want to get onto happier subjects.

     First of all, I got my mp3 player back from stupid JDG.  So I put some motivating music on it! Yay :3 So now while I walk on the treadmill, I have tunes to motivate me.  And I've been using a new acne wash (Gross right? I hate how much acne i have. Doesn't help me.) and a new toothpaste (I have naturally yellow teeth. Blech. Glad I don't purge.  It would be horrible. No offense to anyone who purges. We all have different ways to the same perfection :3  I just mean, my teeth are already horrible, I have tons of cavities. (This is great. You will not believe this.  Instead of writing "cavities", first I wrote "calories". i'm so proud.) 

     I also went trick or treating last night. Yes, i'm 18. But i like getting candy and keeping it around my room in case of a craving. I eat one piece and I feel more horribly guilty than if I binged.  So it's perfect.  I like lots of chocolate. BAD PAIGE BAD. Haha.

     Guess what! I'm done ranting and rambling xDD Have a question.

Question: Yes, I realize, we are all pro ana/mia, but I need to know... What are your favorite types of candy? And toodaayy... YOU GET A BONUS QUESTION! What are you LEAST favorite candies?

My Answers: I LOVE chocolate and gobstoppers and laffy taffys, mainly banana.  Oh oh and Reese's peanut butter cups!  I HATE licorice, stupid ass whoppers, and I really would prefer not to get sour candies.

     Not to comment-beg or whatever, but I'd really like to get some feedback.  With everyone in my life leaving, I need the support girlies.

     And thank you, everyone, for following me! I promise to be strong (fasting today) and make you all very proud! XOXO

This Is The Part Where I Realize How Much I've Been Blogging

     But I don't suppose any of you will complain.. Er. Will you? Maybe I am blogging too much. Haha. I just have a lot to say and I really need somewhere to say it.

     Proud of myself.  I was exhausted last night and I STILL worked out! I'm so happy. And I got to talk to Disaster on the phone (if you haven't yet, by the way, check out my page named after me. Disaster said something funny.).  So yeah, I really have no clue how much I weigh, so the numbers on that page might be wrong.  Just found out that my scale is broken (as proven by the fact that the scale kept twitching between 7, 125, and 300.) Drove me crazy.

     Grah. I'm feeling lazy today. But I'll still do the question of the day.

Question: What is your favorite pro-ana or ana based song?

My Answer: Courage - Superchick.  It sounds kind of like recovery, but honestly I use it to motivate myself. Lately, though, my mp3 player has been borrowed to my friend. Sucks. I have no music. DX

Holy Shit That's A Lot Of Followers!

     So yeeaahh... Just got on today, randomly, and noticed i had EIGHTEEN FOLLOWERS?! HOLY SHIT. Well, better get down to business. -Cracks knuckles..-

     First off, to reply to comments ;D

@Josie: Please! I would LOVE to have an ana buddy that's around my weight ;D I'll send you a message with my number later. Promise! And thanks for telling me your celeb thinspo :3

@Meg: Thanks to you too for commenting about celeb thinspo :3 Stay strong!

@ScarletRed: ugh I know I would KILL for Mary Kate's legs at her "worst". Haha. I would kill for legs smaller than mine, for sure. x..x

@toomanythoughts: I just really like wintergirls. It kind of got me into looking for pro-ana sites and such, so I guess it helped me get here. :3 YAY!

@TinyRose: I know! i don't even really know her, but I saw her in a magazine and I LOVE her! Haha. she's just so... awesome. And skinny x3x

@Sunshinechild: OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH SUNSHINECHILD! I really needed some advertising xD Guess i know how I got so many followers now. Haha. And I have some.. hispanic in me xD not sure EXACTLY what, but my dad was Hispanic ssoooo yeah. I have hips, for sure <w< Which kind of sucks.

     Okay, now, for updates! My grandma gave me a tape measure, so I was able to measure myself last night! I'll post up those numbers on a page about me, so please check it out :3

     Wrapping it up, thank you to all of the new followers!!! I need the support, especially at my weight, but I started some pilates exercises last night and I still feel the soreness and can't wait to do it again tonight. THANK YOU NEW FOLLOWERS! Stay Strong ~

Question: Do you know the name of a blog that has someone over 200 pounds that is pro ana?

My Answer: From what i know, Josie has a 200+ blog xD Haven't checked yet. -Dodges flames..- Please help me! I could use the motivation.

Stay strong girlies :3 and guy...lies. Grah. guyies. YES.

Wondering who the fuck the fat girl in the mirror is....

     My boyfriend has been very nosy about my ana-ness.. He isn't supportive of it and he actually wants me to stop. I can't.  I can't help but worry about my weight and the fat hanging off my body.. I'm actually going to take some pictures tonight of my body and I'll try to post them some day this week or so. And on the 27th, I have a doctor's appointment, hence a chance to go buy a tape measure! Whoo!

     oh, and I tried out the scale? 269. Bleh. Only one pound less than at the doctor's... a month ago. I feel disgusting.

     So, if anyone can help, what are some good stretches I can do? I also want to become very flexible (and for your information, yes, it is for sexual reason r////r). please help me girlies!!

"My best friend's brother is the one for me!" Lol Laeti. She's listening to Victoria Justice. I'm going to work on like.. A scrapbook or thinspo involving certain thinspo people. For me? Well.. We should get to the question of the day...

Question: What celebrities or friends are your favorite thinspo?

My answer: Avril Lavigne, Shakira, Victoria Justice, Emma Stone, Rihanna, Kelly Clarkson (skinny), Lady Gaga, Emma Watson, and my friend who shall be called Cherries.

Monday, Ideas, and Movies

     Watching Easy A. Nothing to do with Ana, but an amazing movie to me. Hilarious.  I'm drinking coffee right now, typing up on a blog. Well anyways, I need to get more money on Animal Crossing: Wild World. Haha. Anyone want be texting buddies..? I'm a graduate and I have no job, and I have unlimited texting. So please, anyone want to text me, just send a comment and such. I'd be more than happy to have any and all buddies that I can get.

     So yeah, for the "Ideas" thing.  I need to buy a tape measure.  I want to measure my body and see how I am compared to you guys.  I really have no clue.  Anyone have any idea where I can buy one at? XD sorry, I'm pathetic. Please.

     And Movies.  I want to see Paranomal Activity 3. Badly.  It comes out in what.. Five days? Holy shit. And right now, there's a little orange kitten running around my house and mewing and scratching at my shoes. Haha.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKING ON WOOD! I'm not crazy. I'm watching Easy A. Close enough?

Time for a question.

Question: Where the hell can I buy a tape measure?

My answer: Hell if I know.

..R.e.c.e.n.t..E.v.e.n.t.s..

     So, here's my list of events for the past few days.

     On Saturday, I went to a festival, where I proceeded to eat way too much food. And drink too much pop. I felt disgusting. Purged that night.

     On Sunday, I was sick. Raging fever, nauseous, dizzy, blacking-out sick. I could barely sit up without throwing up.  It was horrible.  That's what I get for eating so much. I deserve it.

     On Monday, still a bit queezy and dizzy. Laid in bed most of the day and sobbed away my problems.  I need to get a job, but at my weight, I'm scared that no one will hire me. Who wants me to represent their company? No one, that's who.

     Currently? My stomach is churning.  The only relief I had from being sick was when the boyfriend called. He is so sweet and amazing.. With how sick I was, he called me and talked much more than usual.  He even told his own best friend to be quiet so he could talk to me and he kept his attention on me the entire time.  I love him to death. <3

So, girlies, time for the quessttiioonnn...

Question: What is your best method for staying strong when you know you should be eating, and you aren't?

My Answer: Touching all of the fat hanging off my body. If being sick makes you lose weight, then I won't eat and I'll lose even more.

Oh, and if you guys have any questions you would like to ask meee :3 Just send them in the comments. I'll reply to them in posts and say your name and everything. Thank you!!

F.e.e.l.i.n.g..P.r.e.t.t.y..G.o.o.d

So, it's been a while. Sorry I haven't been posting, but my family has started noticing a few changes.  They think I'm depressed. Nope, just not hungry.

     On to less depressing news, I've begun to LOVE the feeling of an empty stomach.  It feels so odd to eat now. Although today, I did very badly and I'm not proud.  I ate two bagels, seven deep-fried oreos, a bowl of very fatty soup, and a caesar salad.  Not. Good.  I'm going to fast for the next two days and hopefully get my act together.  My best friend and I went on a ride at a local amusement park, and she couldn't fit on a ride with me.  She was so embarrassed, and she's bigger than I am, so I still fit, but I hope to never get to that size.  I'm going to talk my mom into going on walks every night, as a "family fitness" kind of thing.  She always gets into these highs where she wants to be healthy and such.
     Now, of course, she gave up.  But I still work hard to maintain or lose weight.  I really need to get a scale, or get batteries for our scale.
     So, time for the question of the day!

Question: What is your favorite exercise to do in private?

My Answer: Crunches.  I always stretch with my younger sisters, but I do hundreds of crunches in my room.

And please tell me of any good pro-ana blogs I should follow :3 thank you, lovelies!

T.a.k.i.n.g T.i.m.e T.o C.l.e.a.n

Yeah, new title layout. Haha. I get bored.
Anyways, a few days ago, I took a bath, and used some yummy hot cocoa body cream.  It smelled amazing, and it really helps to relieve chocolate cravings. My friend, JDG, had a craving for chocolate, and I have a box filled with candy, so I brought over every ounce of chocolate I had.  I use candy to kill cravings too, but I ALWAYS check the calorie and fat content. 
Ah, Facebook. JDG commented on my status, saying I never talk to her about things concerning ana. No dip, I don't. She is not pro ana, in any way, shape, or form.  I don't feel comfortable talking about those things.  Plus, all I hear from her is things about how bad her life is.  See, JDG is a teen mom, and the father is living with her right now and they are engaged.  She is in college for nursing and he doesn't have a job.  It's going to be hard for them, and it only motivates me more to lose weight, so I can get a job or go to college without feeling uncomfortable.
But she tries to help, so I suppose that is alright.
Oh, and if anyone could help, I badly want to know how to make different pages on my blog! please help!

And I've decided to start asking questions from my followers at the end of every post. Please answer :3 Think thin stay strong Love Love <33

Question: What is your favorite book about Ana or ED's?

My answer: Wintergirls - Laurie Halse Anderson  It's amazing.  I use a lot of quotes from that book in my Ana books.

Followers!

 I can't believe I finally have followers! It's only three, but you know what? That's more than I've ever had before! X333

     Thank you very much to Jane Pansy.  You are beautiful too, dear, and I love you too. thank you so very much for the support and the tips. I took them to heart, and got vitamins (not sure what. mom bought them.), calcium vitamins, and Prenatal, telling my mom I wanted my hair to grow more. Ha. Thank you so much, though.
     And thank you for advertising me on your blog, Jane! You will be getting an email from me very shortly <3 thank you so much. And I do know how to search out other blogs, but thank you for offering to help.
     When I first discovered the underground, pro-ana online community, I was alone. Now I'm already having help.  It is very motivational and I am happy to say that I only ate 15 calories today from how happy I was.

Right now I'm on the phone with my, well, a friend of mine that doesn't approve of this. He says he missed me.  We really are best friends and he tries to make me feel better by telling me how beautiful I am.

I Am Disgusting.

Today, me and my cousin cleaned up my room and moved around stuff. She doesn't understand why I needed so much extra space. It's to exercise, dear cousin.


     So, today, I made a list of my stats.

CW: 270

LW: 180

HW: 320

GW1: 230

GW2: 200

GW3: 180

UGW: Undecided as of yet

So for now, I'm just trying to lose weight and stop freaking eating.

And I know that no one is reading this. I know it. I'm used to it. No one ever listened before.

But I need support. I need help. I'm too weak for this..

Update For Today's Food Intake

Total food intake for the day

Breakfast: Water: 0

Lunch: Bologna sandwich with miracle whip and one slice of cheese: 320

Dinner:  Nothing

Total: 320 Calories

So, all in all, a very good day.  I may get around to writing some stories or motivation for others out there that would like to be motivated, but for now, I'm just working on it.  I'm hoping, horribly, that I will be able to get a new scale so I can know my real weight.  It feels too odd to not know how fat I am now.  For anyone that might read this, please follow.  I am very much pro ana, no matter what my weight is. And I didn't "choose" to be with Ana.  She chose me. So anyways, anyone out there, do follow me and maybe you can get into my head. Maybe.

     I want someone to help me.  I want an Ana buddy.  My best friend, who will be named JDG for now, knows how I am and the lifestyle I live.  I exercise extensively, and she knows that it's not good for me, but that I won't be stopped. I only drink water or diet soda now.  I hardly eat, as shown above.

     Someone has to be out there, wanting to help me and help themselves through this.  I want to be perfect. Ana demands it of me.  Please help me, anyone.

Update: No One Is Reading This

it's hard now to imagine a life without Ana.  she will always be there and tell me what i should and shouldn't eat.  it surprises me how quickly she has come to accept me in her heart.  she is the only person that is always there for me and always takes care of me.  she tells me how hard to cut.  she tells me how much to eat.  she tells me if i am worthy of eating for the day, and usually, i am not.  i am a huge, fatass and i know that she knows that.  i hate to bathe now.  i hate feeling my body when i get dressed.  i can't see bones.  only fat.  i want to see my bones, because they are the only pure, beautiful thing about me.  i have bones, just like everyone else.  i want to be beautiful.

     ana has worked hard on me.  i walk daily.  i exercise daily.  i eat.. weekly.  i take diet pills.  i do all of this, and still my efforts are in vain, because i dont even know how much i weigh anymore, because our scale is broken.  i hope to find out soon, though.  we shall see how that goes, i guess.  i hope to have other ana girls follow this blog and help me to get into their heads and into their lifestyle.  i adore ana and all she has done for me.

     if you are not pro ana, then do not comment on this blog.  if you do not accept my lifestyle, then why are you here? merely to insult me? i am going to be healthy and beautiful, and only ana can truly understand how i feel.  i won't let others in anymore. only the select, few, chosen people shall know about this side of my life.

     anyways, time for the update.

     i am getting used to the growling of my stomach, and it makes me proud.  it makes me proud that i have such self control that i dont have to eat when i am clearly not hungry.  i do not like food.  i do not need food.  food is for the weak.  the best part about having a friend or a family member that eats food is that it makes you feel strong and proud of yourself.  i am always proud of myself when i don't eat while others are around me.  i am strong like that, now.  i do try to eat, just to keep my metabolism going, but i see results even when i don't eat.  it's just because i'm fat, i'm sure, but it still makes a difference to me.

     anyways, that's all i have for now.  StayStrongThinkBeautifulBePerfect!

How Ana Got Me

 age: 18

height: 5'9''

weight: 290 lbs.

     i don't believe I have ever been pretty enough or thin enough to catch the attention of anyone.  anyone who sees me knows immediately that i am no good.  i am filth. pure and utter filth and failure put into this sagging fat sack of a body.  i sicken all who surround me as i eat. i make them uncomfortable.  even my dear and loving boyfriend cannot hide his disgust from me.  i am nothing.  i need strength.  i need to know my sister ana girls will be beside me and help me through this pain.  i will learn, slowly, to stay strong.  i will be with ana until perfection.  i don't believe i will ever be perfect.
     my boyfriend is always here for me.  i will always pray and work hard to follow the guidelines ana sets for me.  water is all i will drink now.  food makes me sick.
     i do not self harm, yet. i do not purge or use laxitives.  if i eat, i deserve to feel the pain in my stomach, knowing that it will all come back as disgusting, filthy fat covering my stomach and thighs and hips and arms and legs. i deserve to stand in front of the mirror and insult myself day after day.
     i want support. i crave it. please, ana girls, come to my rescue. 
     message me. email me. anything. come to me and help me. 
     i am motivated by the words of Wintergirls. i will forever echo the words within my head.