First, about the sadness. Let's start from the beginning. Keven, the love of my life. We've been dating since September of 2009. Long distance. We met online and everything, so yeah. Well anyways, I got to go to his house in August of 2010. Then he came for my prom, April 2011. Then I paid for him to come here for two weeks, July/August 2011. It's now November 2011. I asked his parents if they could pay for me to go there for right after Christmas, and all they're doing is beating around the damn bush.
On with life. I really don't consider myself anorexic. I'm pro ana, which I consider to mean that I support those that are anorexic and don't want to recover, or do (cause I'm nice), but I'm not anorexic.
I've never passed out from not eating. I've never missed a period because of not weighing enough. I've never lost hair or teeth or seen my bones through my skin. Nothing. I'm not anorexic. Some say it's not a disease, it's a lifestyle? I don't even do that. I think about food constantly. Sure, I don't give in and binge. I often think about food until I feel sick and can't even eat. The smell of food has started to make me feel disgusting, and I can't eat. You know what's worse? Every time I eat, I feel horribly guilty. Even if it's only something small and insignificant, I feel so bad that I'll go into my room and sob. I hate it.
So I'm sorry to all of you who follow my blog, thinking that I'm anorexic like you. That I restrict food and exercise and lose weight and step on a scale every chance I get. I don't. I'm weak and useless, and I apologize to those of you who thought better of me. I just didn't want to lie about it any more.
Don't get me wrong. I want to lose weight. I hate my body. I hate being this fat. I want to be skinny and pretty and feel free, but I can't. I can't exercise enough. I can't eat less. I'm weak. That's why I started this blog, hoping I wasn't the only one weighing in at a lovely 300 lbs, but I am the only one. I don't even know what I consider myself pro-ana. I'm just ridiculous. I'm huge, I eat, I don't exercise. I'm not pro ana. I'm just fat and helpless.
And saying all that did not cheer me up.
Question: If you were rich, what would you buy?
My Answer: I'd buy a house, completely pay for it. I'd buy a hybrid car, to save on gas. I'd move Eric here and go to college and never work a day in my life. I would get lipo and be skinny and buy tons of workout equipment and never ever ever gain back any of that weight. Most of all? I would make sure Eric and I had our own room. We'd sleep together at night and play as many video games as he ever could have dreamed of. And every single Christmas his parents would ask to come here, I would tell them no, so they can feel the pain of rejection every... single... time.
Hey now! I don't care if you weigh 10 pounds or 1000 pounds, I'm here for you. The whole point of the pro-ana community is to support each other through thick and thin ;) You want to make a chang in your life, and that is the first step towards how you reach your weight goals. You can do this, it just takes a little time. Email me if you want sunshinechild69@aol.com
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are having crazy thoughts also I do this all the time. I find it kinda funny that when you have EDNOS you put anorexics on a higher level kinda like the gods of the ED work and hope that someday you my reach their status. Trust me ENDOS it just as serious as mia or ana. please dont think we dont what to hear how your day is i want to know you are ok and I look forward to your comments on my blog. take care and feel better.
ReplyDeleteHey! The way I see it, every single ED out there is a disease. For example, I have never been a puker, but I imagine that would be HELL. I binge, and feel like death, but never puke. I have been anorexic in my life, the way you describe it. But I think that the obsession with food and the guilt and the inability to just be normal about it is a SHIT feeling, that can be more debilitating than people realize. Don't even worry about not fitting the "mold" of anorexia. The fact is, you are blogging because you clearly cannot discuss your eating habits in real life, which means that it's unhealthy and sick, and you are aware of it. What ednos Linny says is sooooo true, about people with EDNOS putting anorexics on a pedestal. I would say that me now, at a healthy weight, am still some form of EDNOS but my ED is no longer as physically evident as when I was anorexic. I'm still an ED, I always will be. It's more about the mind. It drives you crazy. Food will never be a normal thing. EDNOS is just that. Sorry for the long comment, and it probably makes no sense since I can't really find the words for what I'm trying to say, but know that I completely empathize with you.
ReplyDeletesweetie, don't be so hard on yourself. Food can be a challenging thing. Ana or not we support you. I'm not ana, plenty of people still comment on my blog and support me. Chin up and stay strong. Things always turn around.
ReplyDeleteIf I was rich I'b buy a beautiful house with a barn. ride horses all day and be happy with my boyfriend. :)
I know you have newer posts but i still feel like I should post this. Dont feel bad, or be so hard on yourself, you have no reason to. Someone mentioned EDNOS and I agree, people just tend to ignore it because theyre unfamiliar with it and think ana and mia are the only ed's out there. We're all here to support you, and your decision for weight loss, it doesnt matter if your not ana or mia. your you and thats enough. Keep your head up and dont worry! take care!
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