Tuesday, November 29, 2011
I'm Going To Kill Myself
I've decided to kill myself on December 31, 2011. If not, then 2012. Disaster is no longer a friend of mine. I want only my ED friends to ever call me Kitty. I am going to kill myself with sleeping pills. Dozens of them until I don't wake up. Please do give me any advice that may be helpful with suicide. Thank you.
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sweetheart it's not worth it. Things do get better. Believe me...I've been right where you are. I've tried it too. You may not realize it now, but life gets so much brighter. Suicide really isn't worth it. There are so many good things out there and if you end it all then you will never see it. I'm not trying to fill your head with clichés, it's just true stuff. I've tried to kill myself three times. You may not see it, but there are too many people that would love you and miss you<3
ReplyDeleteI've tried to kill myself before. Three serious attempts. It can get better but you have to allow it. I don't know you and I don't know what's bothering you, but whatever it is, it's best to put it in the past and move on. I was held against my will being restrained while a guy tried to get me to have sex with him Saturday night/Sunday morning. That made me depressed as hell and I felt so shitty. It made me suicidal and after spending the rest of Sunday and all of Monday crying and depressed and scared of everyone and everything, I decided to move on. I'm alive. I'm in one piece. He didn't hurt me too bad (just some bruises). It could have been a lot worse. I could have been trapped with him longer. I could have been injured worse (there were knives laying around the house that he could have grabbed and used against me). He could have killed me and no one would have known for a very long time because the only people who knew where I was, were friends with the guy. My car was totaled by that guy friend or brother or whatever Saturday night/Sunday morning. My debit card was stolen and my account drained. The guy who held me in his house took my phone from me and I haven't gotten it back (and probably won't). But it all could have been worse. And I'm moving on. Whatever it is that's causing you to feel suicidal, it could be worse. And it will get better. My money had been refunded to my checking account. The guy who totaled my car is either currently sitting in jail or he will be after he gets out of the hospital. My sister bought me a new phone. My parents are going to help me get a new car. It gets better. Give it time. If you kill yourself, people will miss you. There are people who love you whether you believe it or not. They may not tell you that they love you, and they may not show it in obvious ways, but there are people who love you. There are people who care. This is the first blog post I read of yours. I obviously care because if I didn't, would I spend my time writing this much? No. So I care. You have Louise who cares too. Just try to get through whatever it is and do whatever it takes to make it better. Because it can get better. You just have to put in the effort to make it better. I wouldn't have my money back in my checking account if I didn't do something about it. I would have been trapped at that guys house a lot longer if I didn't try to get out. It took about 5 hours, but I managed to. So think about your situation and do something to change it and make it better. If other people caused you to feel suicidal, those people shouldn't be in your life. Simple as that. I've had to cut people out of my life and it sucks at first. But then you realize you are a lot better off without them and you actually find some happiness. I had an ex who would tell me he wanted to get back together all the time and he was just playing me. He would always cheat on me when we were together and every time he told me he wanted to get back together, he had either just gotten out of a relationship or was still in one and he claimed he was going to break up with his gf soon. And he just would keep playing me and it made me so depressed. Eventually, I just cut him out of my life because it wasn't worth it. And I'm a lot happier never seeing him and never talking to him. So whatever your situation is, it could be worse and you need to do something to improve it. And you need to give it time. It will get better. People do care.
ReplyDeletePlease!! Don't Do it!! There are so many people that would miss you!! I would miss you!! Stay Strong! Im here if you ever need to talk!
ReplyDeleteThat's the same day Im going to do it...
ReplyDeleteDarling No. It's not worth it. I've been there. I tried. And at the last possible second I realized that I truly wanted to live. It was so incredibly frightening. Things will get better. xx
ReplyDeleteI've been where you are.
ReplyDeleteI've set the date. I've made the plan. I've stockpiled the pills and the razor blades. I've even tried. Obviously, I didn't succeed. And do you know why?
Because I realized, just as I was starting, that I was too afraid to finish the job. And when I wondered why I was so afraid, I remembered those few little things about life that I loved, that I just didn't want to give up, that made all of the other shit worth the trouble. I remembered what my cat's fur felt like and the taste of orange juice and the nights that I would spent outside with a map of the sky and binoculars and dreams. I remembered the extra hour of sleep when daylight savings time ends and all of the different tints of watercolors and the wonderful feeling of stretching out after a run.
Call me a coward, but I didn't want to lose those.
The way I see it – we're all going to die someday. That's just a fact. But life is temporary. We're given just the smallest taste of it. Does it always feel worth it? Heck no. But whenever I feel like checking out early, I just tell myself to wait it out. I'll die eventually, whether I want to or not. But this is my only chance to experience life, and I'm not going to just let this chance go.
Please, please, think about what you would lose if you killed yourself. Find the strength to carry on for just another day. And then talk to someone. Reach out. Someone will always be willing to love you. You just have to give them the chance.
Email me anytime.