I'm Going To Starve Until May 12th

I'll drink water. No food. Possibly juice.

I was webcamming with the boyfriend.  I turned the cam on accident.  He saw my friend's leg.

Now, she's a size fucking 0.  I'm a size 20 on a good day.

He saw her thigh down to her ankle, as she was sitting all curled up.

He acted weird. I know why.  He finally saw someone sexy. Pretty. SKINNY.


I want to die..... I just want to die....

I'm going to starve... I hate myself.... I hate that he saw her..... That I feel like tearing her to bits.....

Ranting; Ignore Me More

I'm so fucking sick and tired of this bitch and her god damned boyfriend. I know they already had fucking sex, because she told her damn ex that they did.  And she's all "Oh no, we're going to wait for the right time" BULL FUCKING SHIT,

The guy, her ex btw? Loves me.  He's so fucking amazing and so damn nice to me.  I'm seriousy guys, I'm a horrible person.  I like this guy.  I love my boyfriend, though.  This guy is just so damn nice and he calls me and texts me and webcams with me AND NEVER FALLS ASLEEP ON ME LIKE MY BOYFRIEND DOES EVERY SINGLE NIGHT....

I'm so fucking sick of him doing that, too.  It really pisses me the fuck off. IM SERIOUSLY FUCKING SICK OF HIM FALLING ASLEEP ON ME! I DONT GIVE A GOD DAMN SHIT THAT HE HAS SCHOOL, IM HIS FUCKING GIRLFRIEND AND HE DOESNT LOVE ME ENOUGH DAMN MUCH TO STAY UP FOR 30 MINUTES! FUCK HIM

He fucking left me for a bisexual whore anyways. I'm not knocking on bi's, but she's a fucking boyfriend stealing whore.  After me and him were finally fucking cool she tells him that she's fucking falling for him AND HE FUCKING THINKS OF LEAVING ME AGAIN!

Fuck that.  I'm sick of life.  I'm sick of liars.

I'm killing myself the day I come back from his house.

Memories

For my Kitten: Enjoy.
Of all I drain, of all I lose,
Never will I break.
Of all the weight removed,
Hope I will not forsake.
I'll urge to binge and I'll beg to purge, but never will I break.
My body is mind, and it's mine to change, Hope I will not forsake.
I will look perfect, I will be thin,
Never will I break.


I miss Disaster terribly.  I know he doesn't even get on Blogger anymore, but I wish he did, so he could read this.  I'm just going to rant about him.

I love him. To death. I wish he knew.. I wish he cared.  He's moved on past me, and doesn't want me to be a part of his life.  It's not like I blame him.  I'd get rid of me too.
I'm a fat, useless waste.  I don't help him with anything.  I have an old conversation of ours recorded.. It made me cry.  It was when he had been lying about talking to a friend of mine, one that always turns my friends away from me.  She doesn't do it on purpose.
He had been, and I quote, trying to "get to know her".. I know what that means with him, and I know that he doesn't love me anymore.  It hurts.  It literally breaks my heart.  I want to just lay in bed and freeze and cut and pray for him to text me....

I miss my Master....

xoxo
Cry

I Feel So Useless Lately....

I'm so fat and worthless lately.. All I do is eat and stay in my room and swoon over my cat, Cookie's, kittens... I hate it.. Anyone want to cheer me up?
I feel like crying.  My friend's boyfriend doesn't like me. Want to know why?
I posted something saying how I was staying at my friend's house.  He said he wishes he could stay the night with her one night.  He's here almost every weekend, and most week days, but isn't allowed to stay the night.
... I'm pissed off... I would give every night my boyfriend and I have been together.. Just to see him every week... I would love that...

Idea And Starting A Fast

First, to be polite and answer back on comments owo...

Ednos Linny: I think I will start walking again.  I miss going for walks, really, and I feel like I never get the chance.  Might take one of the dogs with me too when I go.. I'll have to wait for my mom to come home today, but then I can go whenever.

TinyRose: I shall stay strong! Haha. And I already messed up on our juice fast, sadly, but I saw the results of that already (See below).  I'm going to stick to it now.

Fat Piggy: I hope it's not too late for me.. I'm scared of staying this fat for the rest of my life.  Not to mention, it's my boyfriend's prom May 25th but I'm leaving to go there on like, the 12th.  I have three weeks and a few days until then.  I've been doing crunches like crazy, and these arm exercises too..
So, about the Juice Fast.  TinyRose and I started it yesterday, and anyone can feel free to join in! My goal is to go until I leave for my boyfriend's prom, which will be until at least May 12th or later.  I think I'll be able to make it that long, too.  I already failed, but here's my stats so far.

Height: 5'8''
Weight: 287.4

I'm... I'm not going to lie, I'm disgusted.  It literally makes me sick. I threw up this morning as soon as I saw that number, so I had to brush my teeth again r3r ugh. Mmmeee..
And, random idea.. uh.. I own this little chat site on a chat... site... well, I was thinking of hosting a little meet and greet.  All of us go on there (and it's a private chat, as in no one but us will be on it) and we chat and such.  I'm a big roleplayer, rper, etc, so you may get a glimpse at my randomness.  Anyone interested in this idea? And if you'd like to check out the chat site for yourself, it's called xat.com.  Mine has a certain web link on it, but I'll only post that when the day comes, cause we need to plan a date and time, seeing as we're all from different places and such... Eh... Yeah.

So, time for the Question of the Day.

Question: Anyone know of any pro-ana/ana friendly apps for a smart phone?
Answer (And explanation): Last Tuesday I got a new phone, so I'm obsessed with getting apps.  I haven't had a smart phone ever, because my phones always bust and I end up using an old, shitty, blackberry curve that glitches and gets a ton of errors. Well, now I have a Samsung Captivate Glide, and I plan on using the shit out of it D:< Tell me any apps you can think of owo I'm all ears. Even good BMI ones and such, thinspiration, etc.

xoxo
Cry

Well, I'm 19 now.

It's hard to know that I've been overweight for 19 years now.. It's really just sad.

Here I sit in my room every day, cleaning and texting and playing Neopets and such, but no one wants to talk to me, care about me.  Even Disaster abandoned me recently.  He hates me.  Not that I blame him.  Why should I? I'm a horrible, sick, sadistic bitch.  I'm glad he left while he could.  I wasn't worth his time and effort anyways.

I don't want to ramble about him right now.  I'm tired of thinking of him.

In other news, I recently made a new friend.  His name is Josh, he's a little younger than me, but he's six foot one and funny and has a really deep voice.  He's so nice and polite, and we haven't even met face to face yet.  We're making plans for when he comes back home from oklahoma, we're gonna go to the movies and hang out and such.

Oh, speaking of face to face, I go to my boyfriend's house May 12th or so.  I'm hoping my mom buys my plane ticket soon.  There's barely a month left now.  I'm so anxious to see him.

I know, I haven't posted anything about eating yet, but I will now.  I'm sick of being fat and losing my friends.  I want to lose this damn weight.  I'm going to go back to normal, eating only one meal a day, REALLY considering what I'm eating.  I even made a friend in college now.  I don't want him to see me eating everything like a damn fatass.  I was doing so good before. I don't know what happened.  Every day now, it's going to be less eating and more exercise, which includes riding my bike. Ugh.  I might save that for when I'm at least a little smaller.  Me on a bike is the same as a damn elephant riding one.  Yeah, I'm fucking huge.

Time for the Question.

Question: What's a good form of exercise for a big girl to do without being embarrassed?

My Answer: Walking outside.  Walking on the treadmill really makes me feel sick, it really does.  I hate when people walk past and see me on the damn thing.  It makes me feel enormous, too big to change.  That's how I always feel.

xoxo
Cry

Been Dealing With A Lot Of Things Lately

Applied to seven jobs, got obsessed with Neopets (Seriously, it's the best way to reach me now a days), and lost some more weight.
I now officially weigh lessthan my boyfriend.

Need me? Text me. 1-219-776-9228. Later.