I'm Going To Kill Myself

     I've decided to kill myself on December 31, 2011. If not, then 2012.  Disaster is no longer a friend of mine.  I want only my ED friends to ever call me Kitty.  I am going to kill myself with sleeping pills. Dozens of them until I don't wake up.  Please do give me any advice that may be helpful with suicide.  Thank you.

Not Very Happy / Disaster Has Struck

     I'm very depressed right now.  Nothing else more to say.

     Oh, and FYI girls.  If you have a yahoo email account, you can text from it for free. So. Again.  Here is my cell phone number.   1-(219)-776-9228.  Please text me at any time.

     On with life... For those of you that are younger than me, please.... Fall in love with someone you can be with.  Even teensy tiny crushes... Make sure they are available, otherwise you will only be hurt in the end.  So many issues lately.. And the worst part? Disaster lied to me.  He hid it from me.  I had a suspicion, and I asked... THEN he told me the truth. Whatever.

     So right now, I'm making my plans to go to Keven's.  His parents are booking my flight right now.  Hopefully, it will help clear my mind.  I miss Keven so much.

     So.. I'm depressed now. Moving on.

Question: How many times have you fallen in love..? If never, who do you wish you could have loved?

My Answer: Wow.. I looked through it all and... Nine times.  I think my love with Keven is as deep as it could ever get. By "falling in love", I define it as you hope you never lose them in your life.  I've lost most of the people I fell in love with.  I guess it happens.

Stay strong girlies.  I'm scared for myself.  I have knives in my room. Blades. And salt.  I deserve the pain.  And worst?  I have a shout out.

Disaster..? Fuck you. You've done this time and time again.  I'm sick of being used for nothing other than a damn rebound, until you figure out which girl to fuck around with next. FUCK YOU. Hope she's as accepting of you as I was.

I Am Horrible At Fasting / Sorry For My Disappearance

     First, I started a fast last Monday night. I failed miserably. BUT! I have learned what makes me calm down.  I eat on a small plate, set out full silverware and make sure my plate is made before I make it to the able, and no food can touch, then I eat a LOT less. So I'll begin doing that. And thank you Sunshinechild for the soup idea! I tried a bowl last night and LOVED it! It's perfect <3 I did it minus the salsa, as I am the worst Mexican ever and can't STAND spicy, but it was AMAZING.  Thinking about making a big batch and saving it for bad days. Haha.  It would be weird to eat that with a full dinner set.. XD But thank you so much!

     On with the world, uh.. Yes, I've been gone. Sorry. I'm checking all of your blogs right now, I swear, and I'm so sorry I've been gone so long x.x I'm organizing my room and packing to go to Keven's so.. bleh. Yeah. Wish me luck?

As I am busy.. ON WITH THE QUESTION OF THE DAY!!!

Question: Do you find a full size body length mirror to be motivating?

My answer: Really, I can't answer this xD I just recently acquired a big body sized mirror from my cousin, Casedy, and have yet to hang it up sooo.. yeah. Give me good output <3

Stay strong girlies.  I'm working on making an exercise scrapbook soo.. tell me any good exercises you know! Thank you!

Thank You To You All

     Thank you all, girls, for everyone who commented on my last, depressed post.  I feel as though I should rename my blog after something EDNOS related, because I think that's more of my... Problem.   I just wanted to say something.  But I'm going to save it for the question of the day.

     Okay, first, let's just fast forward on my life and what I want to do: I want to do something special to lose weight.  Eat soup, broth, etc.  Something liquid and low-cal to lose weight.  Any suggestions? I want to lose a lot of weight before I go to my boyfriend's after Christmas. Oops. Spilled the beans. Well yes, IM GOING TO KEVEN'S HOUSE AFTER CHRISTMASSSS!! X333

     Oh god. I've been feeling so odd today. Blech.  Okay well... i hate to do this but... I want you guys to be able to find me.  Does anyone here have a Facebook made just for their ED buddies? I'm thinking about making one, and I'll post up thinspo and such. Y'know what? I'm gonna make it now. Gimme time..

     Made! My profile is Cryota Avria.  I should be the only one. Haha.  My icon is a heart with Ana & Mia mixed with it.  Please add me ASAP!

Question:  Do you consider me to be a wannabe?

My Answer: Well.. I can't really answer this. o-o So yeah.

Sadness Creeping Again / I'm Not Really Anorexic

     First, about the sadness. Let's start from the beginning. Keven, the love of my life.  We've been dating since September of 2009. Long distance.  We met online and everything, so yeah. Well anyways, I got to go to his house in August of 2010.  Then he came for my prom, April 2011.  Then I paid for him to come here for two weeks, July/August 2011.  It's now November 2011.  I asked his parents if they could pay for me to go there for right after Christmas, and all they're doing is beating around the damn bush.

     On with life. I really don't consider myself anorexic.  I'm pro ana, which I consider to mean that I support those that are anorexic and don't want to recover, or do (cause I'm nice), but I'm not anorexic.

     I've never passed out from not eating.  I've never missed a period because of not weighing enough.  I've never lost hair or teeth or seen my bones through my skin.  Nothing.  I'm not anorexic.  Some say it's not a disease, it's a lifestyle? I don't even do that.  I think about food constantly.  Sure, I don't give in and binge.  I often think about food until I feel sick and can't even eat.  The smell of food has started to make me feel disgusting, and I can't eat.  You know what's worse? Every time I eat, I feel horribly guilty.  Even if it's only something small and insignificant, I feel so bad that I'll go into my room and sob.  I hate it.

     So I'm sorry to all of you who follow my blog, thinking that I'm anorexic like you.  That I restrict food and exercise and lose weight and step on a scale every chance I get.  I don't.  I'm weak and useless, and I apologize to those of you who thought better of me.  I just didn't want to lie about it any more.

     Don't get me wrong.  I want to lose weight.  I hate my body.  I hate being this fat.  I want to be skinny and pretty and feel free, but I can't.  I can't exercise enough.  I can't eat less.  I'm weak.  That's why I started this blog, hoping I wasn't the only one weighing in at a lovely 300 lbs, but I am the only one.  I don't even know what I consider myself pro-ana.  I'm just ridiculous.  I'm huge, I eat, I don't exercise.  I'm not pro ana.  I'm just fat and helpless.

     And saying all that did not cheer me up.

Question: If you were rich, what would you buy?

My Answer: I'd buy a house, completely pay for it.  I'd buy a hybrid car, to save on gas.  I'd move Eric here and go to college and never work a day in my life.  I would get lipo and be skinny and buy tons of workout equipment and never ever ever gain back any of that weight.  Most of all? I would make sure Eric and I had our own room.  We'd sleep together at night and play as many video games as he ever could have dreamed of. And every single Christmas his parents would ask to come here, I would tell them no, so they can feel the pain of rejection every... single... time.

Got My Cat / Wish I Had Self Control

     First of all, I cheered up and got my cat today! I'll post some pictures up later, cause she's adorable and sweet and pretty and lovey and terrified of our cats. Haha.  I don't have a good name for her!  Here, i'll post a picture of what she kind-of looks like.  It's not her, but it's close enough.

See? Isn't she pretty? She's a lot skinnier (haha. irony.) and she has a little less brown on her sides and her paws are all white mittens.  She's so sweet. Ideas for names, anyone?  My ideas are Cookie, Clover, Ana (yes. For that reason), and Stardust or something.  But please, give me any other ideas you can think of!

     Moving on. I am SO proud of myself.  I went to a buffet today. Yeah. Yikes.  Guess what? I "supposedly" had three plates of food.  Guess how much I really ate? Maybe five mouthfuls of anything.  it was mostly fruit so I'm very pleased! And I drank diet Pepsi, so no calories there. And i got a shit ton of exercise by cleaning the whole house.

     Awww.. My sweet little kitty is meowing.  As a note, she meows like Mew from pokemon.  Very little and high pitched and ADORABLE~! I love her so much!

     And about the "wishing to have self control" thing.. I really wish I could fast for a whole day or so.. I can't do it.  I'm too weak.  I did, however get a texting buddy! oh but please, anyone (in the US please) text me whenever you feel like it.  And thank you to Louise for being my texting buddy :3

  S'anyway, time to end dis bitch.

Question: If you were as skinny as you wanted to be, what would you wear that is different from what you wear now?

My Answer: Oh god. Skinny jeans, more jackets, LAYERS of shirts and tank tops and sweaters and etc, pretty scarfs, maybe hats, cuddly wuddly furry gloves and mittens, short skirts and shorts... and lots of fingerless gloves and bracelets. I LOVE accessories and hate it when they can't fit me. So bleh.

Stay strong beauties! And just to remind you all.. Thank you so much to anyone and everyone who ever reads my blog when they can! I plan on cleaning out my blog followings just so I know I'm following blogs of worth.  so if I delete your blog, please don't take it personally.  I just don't follow 1) blogs that don't post often enough, and 2) blogs that post about things I'm not interested in.  Thank you so much everyone!

I need a texting buddy... Badly..

     I am disgusting and gross.  I am filthy.  Covered with rolls of disgustingness that should peel off of this body and make me skinny and pretty and perfect.  I've never seen my collarbones or anything.. I feel gross.

1-219-776-9228

     All cards on the table.  Please, don't feel obligated to tell me your name, or your screenname on here.  But all of you, please, save my number.  Text me when you feel weak.  I won't save your number unless you want me to.  Text me whenever and do what you want..

     but... please...... I need a texting buddy.. somebody to keep me on track... someone out there has to be able to text me... someone...

I live in indiana in the united States, and I have AT&T... So please.. text me.

Question: What odd color would you color your hair if you could/had to?

My Answer: Blue.  A perfect, solid, blue.  Disaster really likes blue hair, and i do too, so it's pretty cool. Haha.

Sorry I've Been Gone So Long

     Just to cut down to the main facts, I have lost a lot of weight recently and my mom noticed.  But, since I'm huge, she doesn't go to "maybe you should stop dieting", she goes to "maybe I should join you.

     So, my best friend, Laeti, has been living with me since May.  Her family got flooded out of her house.  First, she lived with my cousin and her parents lived with me.  Then she moved in with us.  Then her parents moved out.  We've complained to her mom before, saying that it DOES, in fact, cost money to keep someone here.  Her mom gave us $50 dollars. Once. That was it x..x so of course, my stepdad got pissed. But you know what? I agree with him.  We shouldn't have to take care of her kid.  And don't be like "Well she gets money for whatever she needs." Oh yeah? We bought her shampoo and conditioner, body wash, toothbrush, cable, and every piece of food she eats.

Done with ranting. So. Did anyone miss me?

I started cleaning my room yesterday, and my cousin is coming over sometime today to help me finish it up.  We moved my desk over. oh, and I have a random question, that is NOT the question of the day.  I'm starting college in December, and I was wondering if anyone knows how I can get a laptop for REALLY cheap? xD A GOOD laptop.  I'm going to ITT for Drafting and Design. Sooo.. could anyone help me? Thanks.

     I've been doing a lot of things differently lately.  For one, I normally eat a lot. In the past few months, I've started eating less. Well now... I've been eating less, but then I'm starting to binge a lot.. And I know the difference between eating a lot and bingeing.  I eat so much that I feel like throwing up, but then I keep going and going.  It's disgusting to me. 

     UPDATE: LAETI JUST WALKED OUT OF MY HOUSE. I think she might be going to work things out with her mom x..x ugh. It's such a pain. But whatever. We have nothing against Laeti, but whatever xD

Okay, moving on to the end.

Question: What is your favorite PC and DS game to play?(I'm a big gamer.)

My Answers: I LOVE The Sims 1 on PC. I rule on it.  and DS? Probably Animal Crossing: Wild World. Fun and easy.

Stay strong beauties! And wish me luck with all this drama.

P.S.: Again, sorry that I haven't been here so long.  We didn't have internet for a while cause bad weather knocked it out and such. Blech. Sorry girlies (and guy-ies)

And you know what? Special shout out to operationxstarvation. She's not ana, and please don't hate on her or anything.  She's only trying to lose a couple of pounds and she believes that starvation is the easiest route. More power to her! At least she has the guts to admit she is not ana, just using our lifestyle.  Please, follow her blog and give her some support :)