You Raise Me Up (Back, by the way)

Yeah, I've been gone, but got tons of news for those of you still following my blog :3 I'm so sorry I've been gone, and I'm so thankful for you all. I really am. Thank you to all of you for being there for me.

Well, first off, I got a job! 40 hours a week, exactly, and at $9/hr. That's a LOT of moola, eh?

Boyfriend moved in.. 66 days ago, I think? Maybe 65. He has a counter on his phone that says how many days since he's moved in x3 It's been amazing. He's so cuddly and sweet and loving, and he doesn't like me not-eating, but I've been eating decently and exercising a lot. I haven't really lost anything, though, but I have some inspiration.

I want to BADLY get my hair cut in a scene style. You know, that only skinny girls can pull off? Yeah, I want that. BADLY. And I'm going to dye it burgundy, darkish-red for those of you who don't speak rainbow. Lol.

Been practicing sign language and Japanese, too! I want to get all the hiragana and katakana memorized before I start on words and sentences.

Also, for Christmas, I'm getting a Kindle Fire! My mom asked me if I'd rather have that or a 3DS and I said that, because I can trade in my old DS for some money instead. Lol.

And I'm going to work on my New Year's Resolutions for the next month, so if you guys wanna share yours in the comments, feel free! :3

So, I've rambled enough, I believe :3 Let's do a question, shall we?

QOTD: What is your favorite, CHEAP, "snack" food?

My Answer: I tend to snack a lot between meals, and I want to quit that, along with drinking pop. *sob* My favorite, cheap, healthy snack would have to be cucumber or celery. It's so crisp and watery. I don't need anything to drink with it, either, and it's a lot of water in it too. I normally eat these for meals too :P Today I had a whole cucumber for lunch. YUM!

Love you all, keep commenting and I'm about to go through what posts I've missed, so I'm sorry! D:

xoxo
Paige


(Yes, my real name, not sure if any of you know it, but it is Paige. :3 Thought you deserved to know.)

I'm getting better at this, I believe.

I did good today, I only ate, like, ten chips from my friend in class. And drank water and Diet Dr. Pepper. Yum. It's one of the two diet sodas I'll drink, that and Mountain Dew. I don't know why. I hate regular MD but the diet just makes it so appetizing <3

Well, I'm rather bored lately, but at least le boyfriend is coming soon. Oh, random thought. Does anyone know sign language? I'm trying to learn, because all that movement is such good exercise for the arms, wouldn't ya know. Lol. Man, I'm thirsty.

If I ramble, it's my mind giving up on sleep, finally. I said I was going to bed three hours ago. Lol.

I hope I can hold off on eating tomorrow, too. Tomorrow, I plan on cleaning and doing laundry and all that stuff that'll make my stepdad happy while he's off work. I wish I had a job.

As a note, I know a lot of people aren't pro-ana, but are anorexic and not wanting to stop. What would that be called? I'm not sure what I am. I go with EDNOS, just because I don't really qualify for anything. It's like I'm retarded when it comes to food.

I eat too much, I starve for days at a time, I purge, I cut, I cry, I think about suicide. What am I?

My old therapist said anxiety, with a dash of depression, but she never asked about how I ate, but she did know that I didn't eat often enough, but, she could see how fucking fat I am.  I don't think I've lost a pound. You know what, I'm going to go weigh myself.

Last I check, I was 296.4 pounds.


Shit, I'm not going to weigh myself. I made my boyfriend tell me the exact date he's coming here, and it's the last date possible... I feel like dying.

Five more days? I could barely make it through today without wanting to stab myself straight through my fat stomach and carving out all the fat lodged inside of me.

I just.. I can't handle this anymore.... I can't wait much longer... I'm so lonely.. I'm so useless... I can't even get a job...

Know how many places I've applied to in the past year? And reapplied to when I was able to?
Fifteen fucking places. I never even got a call back. Is it because they met me? Saw how fat I was, how much I didn't work to lose weight?

Why can't I be skinny and perfect.... Why can't I get a job when everyone else does..

My really shitty friend, we'll call him Erwin, he fucking got a job just because he's a guy, and this place only had girls working. THATS THE ONLY REASON.

He complains, constantly, about not getting paid enough, the hours being too long, not having enough hours to afford things he wants, about how he back sasses his boss, or about how he got written up for refusing to fucking stop sitting on a counter.

HOW THE FUCK DID HE GET HIRED AND NOT ME? HES NEVER FUCKING WORKED BEFORE AND THIS IS WHAT THEY FUCKING GET. I WORKED MY ASS OFF THREE SUMMERS IN A ROW AT SOME SHITTY AMUSEMENT PARK AND CANT EVEN GET A GOD DAMNED INTERVIEW AT FUCKING. WALMART.


I'm beyond pissed right now.. I'm going to bed.

QOTD: How much do you weight right now?

MA: I'll post it next time, if I get at least five comments. If not, oh well, not important enough anyways.

I am, in fact, very much alive...

.. And very much fat. Two hundred and fucking ninety five pounds.. I'm a disgrace.

I need to start fasting. And fast. (Trollolol)

Well, le boyfriend is moving in in less than eleven days. I'm not allowed to know the official date, but I know when it isn't so that's good.

But I feel like such a bloated, fat, disgusting whale..

I have to lose weight by then. I have to.

What's my best bet, people? What's the best thing to do? Starve and drink water? Eat small portions of a certain food? Tell me anything that will help me, please.

I drink water pretty much nonstop now, so don't worry about that too much. I'm trying to flush out my system after the recent binging incident I had (May have to write about that later.)

I've been obsessed with Minecraft lately. Anyone Ana/Mia out there that plays, please link me to your server. Mine aren't working as of right now, so please.

Oh, my family got a scanner now. So I've been drawing. TIME TO BRING BACK....

QUESTION OF THE DAY!

Question: What animal/pokemon/neopet/something cuddly would you like me to draw? I'm bored out of my mind and need to draw, since Minecraft isn't working.

My Answer: I'm going to draw me as a Eevee. I love Eevee, such a simple, adorable pokemon, but filled with so many possibilities. It reminds me of myself.

Thank you for the support. I promise I'll be on more often, especially with the boyfriend coming here. I want him to know everything I do, even though he disagrees.

xoxo
Kitty


P.S. I've started going by "Kitty" and "Icing" lately, so have fun with that.

I Want To Die

I'm never going to be skinny. I'm not. And Eric is never going to live with me. I have to accept that.

I have no job. I'm fucking huge and disgusting. Everyone I've ever met wishes they could forget me.

My stepdad showed me where we hide the gun at. Now I know where to find it.

And I just found out where I have to shoot to kill myself instantly. I can't wait to try it.

Toodles.

I feel usless..

Yeah, I'm back guys and girls. I got a big mirror put up in my room, looked at myself, and purged. I recently found out one of my friends is a cutter and also has an eating disorder, but she's against it and trying to get fixed. I'm not.
I want to lose weight. I've stopped eating. I've been exercising.

Oh, and I haven't been here in so long, I have good news.
My parents gave the OK and said my boyfriend can move in.
Here's the thing: We're going to be moving soon too. From Indiana to Tennessee.

I'm so terrified. I hate moving. I'm too fat. I'll take up too much space. I'll never make new friends.

I'm in tears just telling you guys about it.

Well, anyways, I'm going to take pictures of myself semi-naked tomorrow and post them. You guys deserve to see me once, at least. And someday, we can look back and see the changes and such.

Any and all comments are welcome. Thank you.

Can't Decide What To Do

My ear is clogged up from swimming two days ago. Oh, and my two "best friends" came with me and my family to fireworks on the 3rd, and went and saw fireworks, together, on the fourth. I want to die. Really.

I cut up my wrist again. Started bleeding while I was webcamming with the boyfriend, and I almost died.

My ear is literally throbbing and it's killing me. I'm completely deaf in it.

Oh, and I weight 289.2 pounds right now. It's killing me. I hate being this fat. I wish I was as skinny as my friend Cherries. She's very nice looking. She's underweight and looks amazing, and I wish I looked that good.

Someone help me to lose weight. Nothing I'm doing is working.

My Weight Sucks/ Deleting my blog..

Welp, I'm at 287.4 today, and oddly enough, that's a loss, as I was 291 last time I checked. Now, though, it's on. I've been eating smaller portions, exercising a ton since we got a swimming pool, and doing a lot of exercise before I collapse into my bed at night.

And yeah, I'm thinking of deleting my blog, or, at the very least, not posting on it for a long time. :/ No one reads it or comments anymore, so it's kind of depressing.

You guys have realized how pointless I am too. Good. Great.

Oh, and I quit therapy. Got too lazy. So now I'm left to rely on myself for comfort.

It's not working....

xoxo
Cryota (The End.)

Summer Question/ I feel like I'm dying..

Okay, let's see how well this goes. I asked you guys about your favorite types of music, and here's your answers! :D

Louise: Lady Gaga, Marilyn Manson, The Used, Childish Gambino, Slipknot, Korn

Fragile Heart: Rock, alternative rock, alternative country, dance.

Sparkle Spaz: Electronic, alternative Swedish House Mafia's "Greyhound", Maroon 5, Panic at the Disco, All Time Low.

Sorry for the crappy paste, lol, and if I got any bands typed wrong :P But here's my list, and some little descriptions.

All Time Low: Very punk rockish, I love them <3 Best song, to me, "Damned If I Do Ya", "Break Your Little Heart", and "Dear Maria Count Me In".

Falling In Reverse: Kind of the same at All Time Low, but awesome. Songs? Oh here. "Raised By Wolves" and "Good Girl Bad Guys".

Brokencyde: AGH I LOVE THEM! The name is epic too :3 Songs would be "Schizophrenia" and "Monster Inside Me".

Paramore:Duh. If you haven't listened to them, yet, then wtf. <w<  My favorite song, by far, is "That's What You Get". Very powerful.

Uhh... (This is where Cryota couldn't decide what band to talk about next...)

Bo Burnham: He. Is. Fucking. Hilarious.  Please, PLEASE, if anything, listen to "I'm Bo Yo", today. PLEASE. My favorite is "Rant" but he's just.. so damn funny XD Please listen to him or watch him! (He's on Netflix.)

Five Finger Death Punch: Please don't flame me xD I like them. Songs would be "Never Enough" and, my absolute favorite, "The Tragic Truth".

Three Days Grace: Yes. Just.... yes. All the songs. ALL THE SONGS.

And lastly, please, don't hate me for being a My Little Pony fan.. xD But... There's these things on Youtube called "Pony Music Videos" that I LOVE. The best are made by DJ Alex, BronyDanceParty, and Wooden Toaster (Glaze).
List of songs: Rainbow Factory, September, 20 Percent Cooler [Please, GOD, listen to it, I love it XD], and Monster.

Welp, I just about bored you all to death :3 Oh, and my new diet? Not eating.

I'm gonna try to just sit around and drink tea and try not to eat anything. I've been texting Tiny Rose for the past few days, and she's been my only texting buddy! D: Anyone else want to text or IM? I'm going to get AOL, MSN, aanndd yahoo IM! :3 So I'll be looking for friends! Hit me up!

Ah The Love

Not being sarcastic. Thank you all, girls, for the lovely comments! I'm a terrible procrastinarorotlkjslkjsraor... so.. I haven't gotten the exact rules of my diet set up yet.

So.. I haven't done a question in a while. I SHALL NOW! And, just for summer's sake, I will post your replies on my next blog post ;D

Question: Describe your favorite types of music.

My Answer: Shall be posted next blog post <3 Tune in next time!

xoxo
Cry

Full Day Are Over

I finally got inspiration from WeWillChange's blog post, saying "last full day". I know she meant of school, but this applies to me.

I'm sick of feeling full, like I am right now.  My new diet will be named FDAO. Full Days Are Over. I'm never going to be full again.  I hate the feeling. I love the feeling of an empty stomach.

And sorry Tiny Rose :( We were supposed to fast today, and I ate like a pig for dinner at my friend's house. I'm so weak.. Hence, this will work.

I'm finishing up the rules for this new diet.  If anyone wants to join, once I post them, feel free.  I'd like some advertising on your blogs too! Lol. I'm not a beggar? x3x..

Anyone here do the Runescape thing? I've been dungeoneering the past few days and I keep getting ditched, lol. I love dungeoneering too, so it sucks D:

Oh and also, I've been wearing more provocative clothing lately, short shorts and VERY low cut shirts. Can this be a subliminal sign of losing weight? I haven't weighed in so long. I will when I get home tomorrow. I'll post it tomorrow night, too.

Anyone up for texting or IMing or anything? I'm about to download Yahoo, MSN, and AOL Messenger, so I'm all open :D Let me know! Toodles!

xoxo
Cry

New Diet: I need to make a name..

I'm starting a new diet.  I'll be posting the rules and such later.  It's mainly based on the fact that I hate how I look, and I want to have a waist the next time I see my boyfriend.

Anyone want to help come up with names? Bootcamp or Moving Makeover or something. Help me.

Depressed, I guess...

Been a while since I've last posted. Went to therapy, she said I have more anxiety than anything, and some depressive patterns.
Told her about the cutting. The not-eating. Everything.

Boyfriend saw me get a text from a guy he doesn't like.  Boyfriend doesn't trust me. Btw, I'm with boyfriend now.  But here's the thing: He's still best friends with the girl he left me for. Twice.

It hurts.  It hurts that I'm not trusted. I never left him.  I came clean about what I did the SECOND it was over.

I didn't hear about the girl until I came here and someone mentioned her name. Then again a month later when he left me broken hearted and alone.

I feel like crying, but I'm in the big sofa chair and boyfriend looks like he might sit with me.




I'm lying. He's not even looking at, talking to, or acknowledging me.


And I'm texting the guy now. So fuck him....

Therapy?

Crap. Long story.
Basically, two good friends of mine left.  I planned on killing myself on May 29th for a long time.  Told one person, they told my mom.  Now, my mom wants me to go see a therapist. And I will.

I'm just scared they'll ask about my eating habits. I want to die, still. I do.  My boyfriend is hurt, but he's glad I'm doing the therapy thing.

I'm Going To Starve Until May 12th

I'll drink water. No food. Possibly juice.

I was webcamming with the boyfriend.  I turned the cam on accident.  He saw my friend's leg.

Now, she's a size fucking 0.  I'm a size 20 on a good day.

He saw her thigh down to her ankle, as she was sitting all curled up.

He acted weird. I know why.  He finally saw someone sexy. Pretty. SKINNY.


I want to die..... I just want to die....

I'm going to starve... I hate myself.... I hate that he saw her..... That I feel like tearing her to bits.....

Ranting; Ignore Me More

I'm so fucking sick and tired of this bitch and her god damned boyfriend. I know they already had fucking sex, because she told her damn ex that they did.  And she's all "Oh no, we're going to wait for the right time" BULL FUCKING SHIT,

The guy, her ex btw? Loves me.  He's so fucking amazing and so damn nice to me.  I'm seriousy guys, I'm a horrible person.  I like this guy.  I love my boyfriend, though.  This guy is just so damn nice and he calls me and texts me and webcams with me AND NEVER FALLS ASLEEP ON ME LIKE MY BOYFRIEND DOES EVERY SINGLE NIGHT....

I'm so fucking sick of him doing that, too.  It really pisses me the fuck off. IM SERIOUSLY FUCKING SICK OF HIM FALLING ASLEEP ON ME! I DONT GIVE A GOD DAMN SHIT THAT HE HAS SCHOOL, IM HIS FUCKING GIRLFRIEND AND HE DOESNT LOVE ME ENOUGH DAMN MUCH TO STAY UP FOR 30 MINUTES! FUCK HIM

He fucking left me for a bisexual whore anyways. I'm not knocking on bi's, but she's a fucking boyfriend stealing whore.  After me and him were finally fucking cool she tells him that she's fucking falling for him AND HE FUCKING THINKS OF LEAVING ME AGAIN!

Fuck that.  I'm sick of life.  I'm sick of liars.

I'm killing myself the day I come back from his house.

Memories

For my Kitten: Enjoy.
Of all I drain, of all I lose,
Never will I break.
Of all the weight removed,
Hope I will not forsake.
I'll urge to binge and I'll beg to purge, but never will I break.
My body is mind, and it's mine to change, Hope I will not forsake.
I will look perfect, I will be thin,
Never will I break.


I miss Disaster terribly.  I know he doesn't even get on Blogger anymore, but I wish he did, so he could read this.  I'm just going to rant about him.

I love him. To death. I wish he knew.. I wish he cared.  He's moved on past me, and doesn't want me to be a part of his life.  It's not like I blame him.  I'd get rid of me too.
I'm a fat, useless waste.  I don't help him with anything.  I have an old conversation of ours recorded.. It made me cry.  It was when he had been lying about talking to a friend of mine, one that always turns my friends away from me.  She doesn't do it on purpose.
He had been, and I quote, trying to "get to know her".. I know what that means with him, and I know that he doesn't love me anymore.  It hurts.  It literally breaks my heart.  I want to just lay in bed and freeze and cut and pray for him to text me....

I miss my Master....

xoxo
Cry

I Feel So Useless Lately....

I'm so fat and worthless lately.. All I do is eat and stay in my room and swoon over my cat, Cookie's, kittens... I hate it.. Anyone want to cheer me up?
I feel like crying.  My friend's boyfriend doesn't like me. Want to know why?
I posted something saying how I was staying at my friend's house.  He said he wishes he could stay the night with her one night.  He's here almost every weekend, and most week days, but isn't allowed to stay the night.
... I'm pissed off... I would give every night my boyfriend and I have been together.. Just to see him every week... I would love that...

Idea And Starting A Fast

First, to be polite and answer back on comments owo...

Ednos Linny: I think I will start walking again.  I miss going for walks, really, and I feel like I never get the chance.  Might take one of the dogs with me too when I go.. I'll have to wait for my mom to come home today, but then I can go whenever.

TinyRose: I shall stay strong! Haha. And I already messed up on our juice fast, sadly, but I saw the results of that already (See below).  I'm going to stick to it now.

Fat Piggy: I hope it's not too late for me.. I'm scared of staying this fat for the rest of my life.  Not to mention, it's my boyfriend's prom May 25th but I'm leaving to go there on like, the 12th.  I have three weeks and a few days until then.  I've been doing crunches like crazy, and these arm exercises too..
So, about the Juice Fast.  TinyRose and I started it yesterday, and anyone can feel free to join in! My goal is to go until I leave for my boyfriend's prom, which will be until at least May 12th or later.  I think I'll be able to make it that long, too.  I already failed, but here's my stats so far.

Height: 5'8''
Weight: 287.4

I'm... I'm not going to lie, I'm disgusted.  It literally makes me sick. I threw up this morning as soon as I saw that number, so I had to brush my teeth again r3r ugh. Mmmeee..
And, random idea.. uh.. I own this little chat site on a chat... site... well, I was thinking of hosting a little meet and greet.  All of us go on there (and it's a private chat, as in no one but us will be on it) and we chat and such.  I'm a big roleplayer, rper, etc, so you may get a glimpse at my randomness.  Anyone interested in this idea? And if you'd like to check out the chat site for yourself, it's called xat.com.  Mine has a certain web link on it, but I'll only post that when the day comes, cause we need to plan a date and time, seeing as we're all from different places and such... Eh... Yeah.

So, time for the Question of the Day.

Question: Anyone know of any pro-ana/ana friendly apps for a smart phone?
Answer (And explanation): Last Tuesday I got a new phone, so I'm obsessed with getting apps.  I haven't had a smart phone ever, because my phones always bust and I end up using an old, shitty, blackberry curve that glitches and gets a ton of errors. Well, now I have a Samsung Captivate Glide, and I plan on using the shit out of it D:< Tell me any apps you can think of owo I'm all ears. Even good BMI ones and such, thinspiration, etc.

xoxo
Cry

Well, I'm 19 now.

It's hard to know that I've been overweight for 19 years now.. It's really just sad.

Here I sit in my room every day, cleaning and texting and playing Neopets and such, but no one wants to talk to me, care about me.  Even Disaster abandoned me recently.  He hates me.  Not that I blame him.  Why should I? I'm a horrible, sick, sadistic bitch.  I'm glad he left while he could.  I wasn't worth his time and effort anyways.

I don't want to ramble about him right now.  I'm tired of thinking of him.

In other news, I recently made a new friend.  His name is Josh, he's a little younger than me, but he's six foot one and funny and has a really deep voice.  He's so nice and polite, and we haven't even met face to face yet.  We're making plans for when he comes back home from oklahoma, we're gonna go to the movies and hang out and such.

Oh, speaking of face to face, I go to my boyfriend's house May 12th or so.  I'm hoping my mom buys my plane ticket soon.  There's barely a month left now.  I'm so anxious to see him.

I know, I haven't posted anything about eating yet, but I will now.  I'm sick of being fat and losing my friends.  I want to lose this damn weight.  I'm going to go back to normal, eating only one meal a day, REALLY considering what I'm eating.  I even made a friend in college now.  I don't want him to see me eating everything like a damn fatass.  I was doing so good before. I don't know what happened.  Every day now, it's going to be less eating and more exercise, which includes riding my bike. Ugh.  I might save that for when I'm at least a little smaller.  Me on a bike is the same as a damn elephant riding one.  Yeah, I'm fucking huge.

Time for the Question.

Question: What's a good form of exercise for a big girl to do without being embarrassed?

My Answer: Walking outside.  Walking on the treadmill really makes me feel sick, it really does.  I hate when people walk past and see me on the damn thing.  It makes me feel enormous, too big to change.  That's how I always feel.

xoxo
Cry

Been Dealing With A Lot Of Things Lately

Applied to seven jobs, got obsessed with Neopets (Seriously, it's the best way to reach me now a days), and lost some more weight.
I now officially weigh lessthan my boyfriend.

Need me? Text me. 1-219-776-9228. Later.

I am a horrible, forgetting blogger....

FINALLY fucking finished the list, and I can't find it anywhere in my *cough17cough* NOTEBOOKS!

Not to mention I'm royally pissed off about the friend I was TRYING to re-become friends with.  She hasn't made any contact with me since the whole "oh yeah I want to be friends again" bullshit.  So you know what?

If I don't hear from her in 13 days from now, I'm blocking her on Facebook, so I can stop being a god damned loser and stalking her, trying to find out how many boys she's fucked since she lost me.

Oh, and that best friend of hers? She already slept with her boyfriend. What the fuck else is new?

Whatever, she has her damn new friends, boyfriend, and her daughter (Great going mommy, maybe we'll graduate college together!) and all this damn shit.

And you know what? I have friends that are true to me and do me right, and don't have to take a picture a day with me to prove it.

Now, here's an interesting picture I thought you guys would like to see... These are my dogs, Chance and Sadie.  This picture is old as shit, seeing as the brown one, Sadie, grew to be about a foot taller than poor Chancy pants!  Sadie's a bit baby and loves to be pet, and she gives kisses if you hold a chip out of your mouth X3  I just love my dogs and I know people like puppies so.. do enjoy! :3

Oh, before I forgot, to We Will Change: Yes, I am very self conscious.  I absolutely HATE my body and I don't like to be touched or seen by anyone.  I don't wear make up, because it's pointless to me, it doesn't hide anything. Egh.  I hate myself. Literally.  There are so many nights I call my boyfriend, sobbing, because I'm this close to swallowing a bottle of pills and killing myself.  I hate being this fat.

And, of course, dealing with this bitch ex friend is driving me fucking crazy and so close to suicide, I can taste it.  I always have a knife on me, just in case I can't take it anymore.

So.. on to a less depressing subject...

Question: What languages do you know/ are you in the process of learning?

My Answer: I know English mainly, obviously.  I took Spanish I through III and got good grades, then took French I senior year. lol.  Right now I'm learning Japanese on my own.  My mom got me My Japanese Coach and I think Japan and its language and customs are BEAUTIFUL! Anyone here watch anime or read manga? Hit me up.  Buh bye :3

xoxo
Cry

The Stupid List

Still haven't finished it.  I'm working hard at it, and discovering little tiny things that I do every day that could be added. 
I've been trying to fast and I ended up getting sick.  Ech.  My boyfriend knows, but he's so odd. Whatever.
Also, I'm going to add a picture of my face in this post.  Please don't hate on me for it.....

Yes, I edited the color.  No, my eyes aren't green, they're hazel.  And yes, my name is Paige.

So.. comment if you'd like.  Oh, and I've decided to do a Question of The Day

Question: What are some tips you use for losing weight?

My Answer: No pop, loads of walking, NEVER take an elevator or moving staircase, and eat only half of what's on your plate.

I swear, I'm working on the list...

I've just been really obsessed with Neopets and other things in life, lately.  I feel bad about something I did, and so I'm trying to get over it. Whatever.

Not weighing myself until Sunday.  I'm scared, I've been eating more than last week, for sure.

Oh, and the boyfriend warned me that I'm going to hate living with him, because he doesn't like me not-eating.  Can't help it, really.

And good news, one of my close friends, who knows about my problem, admitted to me that she's also been struggling with bulimia for a while.  She wants to be ED buddies.  It makes me happy..

xoxo
Cry

Couple of Things I'm working on...

First, the credits.

Sparkle Spaz: I make lists for everything too! How weird :D

Speaking of the list, I'm still working on it.  Once it's done, I swear I'll post it on here.  There's just a lot I want to include, you know? Yeah.

And good news, I suppose.  On Sunday I weight 290, and last night I weighed 284.2.
I really do make a goal weights list...

Decided to do something about being fat...

Tomorrow, before SH comes over, I'm going to clean my room and work on a list of things I'm going to do from now on.

I'll post the list on here, if you guys want to read it.

Doubt anyone will.

Cry
xoxo

I post too damn much...

I don't have an eating disorder.  I don't.  I'm just a fat, stupid wanna be.  I ask for fucking tips and tricks and shit.  If I really had a problem, I'd know how the fuck to lose weight.  I'm so god damned stupid and alone.

My friend that, now, I'm trying to recover with, had written a long note about how I'm a horrible friend and how I stopped being her friend once she got pregnant. UUHHH WHAT THE FUCK?!

I've only been there SINCE SHE FOUND OUT SHE WAS PREGNANT! The fuck is her problem?!



But then I stop and think about it..

I'm just stupid.  I'm a horrible friend. I'm mean, rude, I judge, I get jealous, I get possessive.  Nobody wants to fucking be around me anymore.  EVERYONE is DYING to see how my life is going, but nobody wants to be a PART of my life.. everyone hates me.  I don't blame a single one of them.  I don't trust anybody anymore.  I can't.  What good does it do?  I trust people, they hate the kind of person I am, and they leave.  Nobody can stand to be around me. Why should that? I'm a horrible, deadly person. 

Oh, speaking of which, when my boyfriend broke up with me, I was going to die two days ago.  Thought you guys should know.

Anyways, another rant.  These will be here for a few posts now, I'm sure.. I'm just not happy about.. anything, lately..

Well no, I made a new friend.  He's really nice, calls me "love" and "sweetie" and likes to rp.  He's a great guy.  Very good friend.

Fin.

Thanks For All Of The Rants

First, I want to reply to the comments, haha

Fat Piggy: Lol yes she a fucking bitch, and now we're trying to work things out. Sad, right? She got pissed that her stupid new twin is being a bitch about us getting along again.  She HAS to fucking realize that that bitch hates me. Grah.. Thanks though.

Louise: Lol consider yourself lucky, then.  I've had shitty days for weeks on end recently. Not to mention my bf wanting to be in an open relationship... grah....

Tiny Rose: Damn, that does sound shitty.. Some guys are like that, though, not gonna lie.  I've been a lucky one.  My boyfriend is very supportive but doesn't like that I... well, I don't want to say I have an ED

Interjection time

I honestly don't believe I have an eating disorder.  I know there's a picture out there that says "I'm too fat to have an eating disorder", but for me it pretty much does apply.  I don't eat right, and I know I don't.  I stop eating for days then scarf down anything edible I can find.  I'm disgusting.  And I feel worse saying I don't have an ED and all of you guys do, so I seem like a stupid wanna be.  Some days that makes me want to delete my blog, because who the fuck am I, a wanna be, to be posting about "oh im so fat I'm going to starve ANA LOVE FOREVER STAY STRONG STARVE ON"

No.  It's wrong of me to do that.
Great, now I'm seriously considering deleting this blog.

Fin.

Very pissed off, so today gets a second post

So that girl's bitchy friend is pissing me off. She messages me on another site and tells me not to look at her myyearbook page and not to view her page and all this other shit. Then DDURRRR she goes to my page and views a bunch of shit r.r

Little does the bitch know that I'm meeting up with her baby daddy this weekend. OH SHIT. I wasn't supposed to say that :3 whoops.

Nah, calm down, I'm committed to my boyfriend.  I'm just good friends with this guy and we got along MUCH better with the bitch friend getting in the way.  So he's coming and staying the night.  He's so nice too, we're texting right now ;D hahaha

So girls, want to comment and give me some bitch outs? ANYONE or ANYTHING that is pissing you off, go ahead and rant about it D:<

Sick as hell

Giving up Pepsi for Lent.  I'm sick.  Throwing up, sniffling, grumbling.
We got a new cat named CJ.  My uncle had passed away and his cat keeps trying to go to my aunt's house, where her dogs will kill him, so we took him in. He's so cute, he's like pale orange.
Oh, this bitch girl that used to be my friend keeps acting all stupid.  I wrote a letter to her on Facebook, saying how boy crazy she is. And she's like "I wish I was as boy crazy and people say I am". Uhh.. she's been with 12, actually more but I'm kind, guys since I met her four years ago.
Four years, 12+ guys.
Did I mention she's a teen mom, had the dad move in with her, and she cheated on him?
Oh, and I think she follows this blog. LOL!
I'm getting my book back from her today, then I'm blocking her on Facebook and out of my life.  She's nothing but a whore and she pisses me off to no end.
Worst part? I feel bad for not feeling bad about losing her. 

Question of the day.

Question: What do you do to get over losing a friend that you KNOW treated you wrong but you know you'll miss anyways.

Answer: Lay in bed under my heating blanket and cry. Always makes me feel better.  I've been doing it for a few weeks now, not that she knows or cares.  She has her wanna-be vampire TWINNY TWIN TWIN BIFFIES FUH EVAH to be there for her now.  Oh, until she steals her boyfriend. Whoops ;)

Agh I Forgot About Lent!!!

First off, thanks for all fo the comments, guys <3 I take them all to heart. Gonna clean up my room tomorrow so I have more room to exercise. Agh. And, with Lent, I have decided what to do!

1. No soda. One can on Sundays, if I can't help it.
2. I must exercise every day or night.
3. I must be up by 9:30 am EVERY DAY! NO EXCEPTIONS!!!
4. No second helpings, and only one meal a day (I've already eaten today, so no more until 9:30 am tomorrow or later.)
5.  I must practice Japanese in one way or another every single day, STARTING today! (I have My Japanese Coach for DS, so that'll help <3)
6. I absolutely, positively cannot have a dirty room.  No Neopets, xat, webcam, texting, NOTHING until my room is clean.  (Except today.  Today is the exception because tomorrow is when I'm going to clean my room.)

And I'm going to make a list of things I have to start doing permanently while I'm at school.  One of them is going to be being indifferent towards certain people. I have a lot of friends that aren't very responsive to me anymore, so I'm actually doing an experiment right now and not texting those certain people until they start to worry.  I know, I'm sadistic XD bahaha.

Ehh Guess I can do a question of the day.  Some people may hate it.

Question: Do you play Neopets? What is your account name? Also, if you don't play neopets anymore, can I have your account?

My answer:  If you want to neofriend me ;D I'm CryotaNeko on Neopets.  I also have side accounts of CryotaDarkDepression and CryotaCaring AND some accounts that are remakes for me and my friend that are her accounts, _Paige4893_, _Aubree102_,

Ugh r.r Stepdad is yelling about how many windows I have open. I'm getting offline.

Finally Weighed Myself..

Yes, for the first time in FOREVER I got to check my weight. Ready to hear the lovely news..?

I've lost about 3 pounds in three months.

I'm disgusted, literally. I didn't eat all day. I barely drank water. I'm not going to eat until I'm passing out in the middle of the day. I can't stand this fat.

I started doing hundreds of sit ups in my room, alone, and I'm never going to look at a scale again. I'm going to use measurements from now on. I feel so sick of myself. I hate it. Ugh. PLEASE. SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE ME SKINNY.

I HATE ALL OF THIS FUCKING FAT. I HATE WEARING DOUBLE DIGITS SIZES. I HATE EATING FOOD. I HATE GETTING FATTER AND FATTER AND ALL OF THIS OTHER SHIT. I WANT TO BE SKINNY.

Fin. xoxo

Valentine's Day!!!!

Everyone is posting about Valentine's Day, I see. I WANNA DO IT TOO!!!
Sooo I'm working on a TON of edits and I feel ssooo happy ^w^ I'm thinking about doing a group edit. If you want to be involved in it you HAVE to email me, at Paige48932@yahoo.com, by THIS SUNDAY!!!!! If you don't, you miss out :3 just email me and I'll tell you the details I'll need by Sunday night.
Thank you for the wonderful comments too! I'm going to try more Russian Twists. I did those wayyy before I got this serious about it so now I think I can do them more.
Now.. a few of my Tiny Tips I came up with ;D
1. Sit up straight. Always remind yourself to do it.
2. Move. Tap, wiggle, shift, fidget, do everything. It burns loads of calories!
3. DRINK WATER! I cannot stress this enough. Drinking cold water is PERFECT for losing weight!!!
4. I don't trust a scale, personally. I use a tape measure, $2 at Walmart. It doesn't get affected by water weight and shit.
5. Exercise! Do crunches or push ups in bed. I've started doing exercises every single night before I'm allowed to go to sleep.

No Question of the Day. Disaster (my friend xD) is calling me! Ciao ladies! Please Stay Strong and Lovely <3 Happy Valentine's Day to you all!!!

I am such a horrible person...

I'm sorry I don't comment.
I'm sorry I don't answer emails.
I'm sorry I don't answer back your comments.
I'm sorry I don't thank you all enough.
I'm sorry I can't lose weight faster.
I'm sorry I'm not a single digit size.
I'm sorry I'm so fat.
I'm sorry I'm so annoying.
I'm sorry that I'm so worthless.

I'm learning to say I'm sorry. I'm a horrible person. I'm going to apologize each post from now on.

Oh, and the boyfriend and I are back together <3 I'm so happy and at peace.. He's sending me a Valentine's Gift too..

I starting to learn to edit pictures with Gimp. I'm not too good. I'll post some pictures next time. I'm working on a specific edit for someone that follows my blog. (Thank you person.) Haha.

So. Please comment, text, etc. I'm also making a fake Facebook for my ED purposes. Soo. anyone who wants to join me? Yeah. The Facebook thing didn't work well.

Question: What's your best exercise to get rid of inches around your stomach?

My Answer: I really don't have one, that's why I'm asking Dx I need to lose some stomach inches. Blech. I hate my stomach.


And I forgot before. Fragile Heart asked me if I ever did anything I seriously regretted.
Yes, I have. It's kind of stupid and mushy, but when I first got to meet with my boyfriend, we didn't talk the entire first day. Didn't sit by each other. Didn't hold hands. Nothing. I regret it. So much wasted time. I thought six days would last forever, and now it's been a year and a half since then. I'm always depressed about it. I wish I would have hugged and kissed him v////v I love him so much...

xoxo Please text me, anyone.

Bad News

So... My boyfriend and I broke up. He found another girl and asked her out and she said yes. I'm not really.. Feeling, anymore. I already sobbed with my best friend and my mom. I'm stressed out. I'm so scared. There's too much going on. Please text me. Anyone. 1-219-776-9228

Time to Update / I really suck...

I'm not very good at.. Eh.. Fasting. I try so hard. Can someone please give me good advice? Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna start a liquid fast. I've heard it's easier to go from eating, to liquid eating, to fasting. I'm going to exercise a lot too. I need to exercise. NO. I NEED TO CLEAN MY DAMN ROOM.
Oh, and good and bad news. My laptop processor is fried :/ So I'm shot. GOOD NEWS THOUGH! My stepdad says he can put my laptop harddrive in my old PC, so you guys will be treated, soon, to the amazing thoughts that were in my mind a year ago. I wonder what I was like? But please, also, I have a new thing for our QUESTION OF THE DAY!!!

Question: What do you want to ask me, no strings attached? It can be anything about me, ABSOLUTELY anything, and I will answer honestly.

My Answer: Eh. None. xD

NEWS ISH!!!!

First of all, i walked 10,000 steps yesterday night!!! And Kk has been the most amazing person I have ever met.

So, i need a laptop. Haha...

Im so sorry. Im bored right now. Im going to play my sims kingdom. Good bye!

What I've Been Up To / I'll Be Updating More Often Now

I've been working hard with ana, hoping to drop some weight and some size. I've been carefully walking on the treadmill every day, doing my own exercises in my room at night to help. Then, I've been eating very little. Of course, our scale is still broken, so I haven't been able to check how much I weigh, and I lost my tape measure, so honestly, I'm in a state of oblivion right now.

Someone should help me find good scene thinspiration too D: I've been very into scenespo, as it's called, lately. I want to be really thin and pretty some day, and right now my goal is a pair of blue lace jeans in my room that haven't fit be since my freshman year of high school. Please help to inspire me! :c

My sisters have even been calling me fat now lately. It's really depressing, but one of my best friends, the only one that knows about my habits, has been saying that I'm losing weight. My rings, normally a size 13 (Sad. I know. I'm such a fat ass), haven't been fitting well lately. They've been too big, but whatever.

I really want to lose weight. I really don't want to be fat. I'm sick of being this fucking huge. I'm sick of being the fat person in the group. I really am.

Oh, and I'm goin to cut my hair into a scene style and due it black and red. xD I've been pondering this for a long time, and I've decided to do so. Once I reach my ultimate goal weight and size, I'm gonna dye my hair a rich, deep blue! I've always wanted to dye my hair blue, but i think I'm going to save it for until I'm the perfect size.

So, please comment, if you still read my blog :( I'm going to go through your blogs right now. Thank you!

My Excuse For The Long Wait

So, I've got a new Android tablet. And I apologize, my dear sisters. I haven't had a stable acess to the internet for ages. I swear to be more productive this year, 2012, and work hard on fasting and exercising and everything! So, to start off, who wants to join me in a fast? I've been lonely without being able to speak to all of you. Please.. someone text me...? 12197769228

Now.. I've updated my goals. I want to get down to at least a size 8. I miss you all. Please help.....