I'm never going to be skinny. I'm not. And Eric is never going to live with me. I have to accept that.
I have no job. I'm fucking huge and disgusting. Everyone I've ever met wishes they could forget me.
My stepdad showed me where we hide the gun at. Now I know where to find it.
And I just found out where I have to shoot to kill myself instantly. I can't wait to try it.
Toodles.
Ok, I'm a really honest person so I'm going to be a little bit honest here.
ReplyDeleteBasically all of your blog posts have been really the same since I started following you in november. There is this really negative overtone that clouds over (almost) everything that you've posted, it really hasn't changed much.
First off, telling people that you want to die and you want to commit suicide is a HUGE indicator that you don't want to actually do it, but you want the attention and you want people to tell you not to. Again, take this however you want to, tell me I'm wrong, whatever, I'm just speaking from experiences I've had over and over again, whether it was me or other people who have gone through it. I've lost a friend to suicide. I don't think you realize how much it affects everybody that you've ever associated with. It hurts them. I know that suicide is about ending your own life, but you leave people behind when you do that and it genuinely hurts people to the core. Also, I've tried to commit suicide four times since I was fourteen. Once in seventh grade, once my sophomore year of high school, once my senior year of high school, and once my freshman year of college. I'm a junior now, and I can't tell you how happy I am that I didn't do it. When my best friend died it really put it into perspective for me. She was dying of cancer and fought her entire childhood to keep herself alive because even despite how much pain she was in, she saw life so incredibly beautiful. After that whole experience, I totally don't understand how I or most other people can want to die when there are people like her that saw something beautiful about life that made her want to stay alive. Please, before you go try to kill yourself, take that into consideration.
Also, the weight thing has stayed really constant. I've lost over 20 lbs since January. If you need help or support, I have offered it and I will offer it again. You know where my blog is and you may or may not still have my phone number. But losing the weight doesn't happen overnight and it takes a LOT of hard work. And again, I'm here if you want the help.
Please don't take this whole comment as an attack on you. I am actually really supportive of you and I want to see the tone of your blog change, but it has to be you that wants to make the change first.
I love you sweetie. We can get through this together. Boys are stupid. The majority break our hearts. The trick is to get through it, even when your heart feels like its been shot out.
ReplyDeleteAs for your weight
1. It does and should not define who you are.
2. If you need help and support with losing you know I'm always here even if I can't text you anymore, we can still talk over blogger and my e-mail: shalanrose@gmail.com
The people in your life right now are not important if they act like they wish they didn't know you. Life changes and people come and go. You will meet someone someday who truely loves your company.
And I don't have a job either. All you can do is try to get one. I've applies a hundred places (feels like). Don't put your worth on your ability to get a job.
Please wait at least a month. try to change things as best that you can. What do you have to lose?
<3 You are so loved.
Hello Darling.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog today, and I read this post very first. And all I have to say is please don't kill yourself. Not now, not ever. I know the eating disorder gets hard, I know the pressure is hard, I know it's all so painful, but you don't know what's coming in the future. Someday, maybe you'll be miles away from where you are now, and you'll meet new people, try different things...
Be adventurous. This life is a fucking hell, and we're all trapped. So make the best of it, make yourself stand out. It's the only way to survive.