Sadness Creeping Again / I'm Not Really Anorexic

     First, about the sadness. Let's start from the beginning. Keven, the love of my life.  We've been dating since September of 2009. Long distance.  We met online and everything, so yeah. Well anyways, I got to go to his house in August of 2010.  Then he came for my prom, April 2011.  Then I paid for him to come here for two weeks, July/August 2011.  It's now November 2011.  I asked his parents if they could pay for me to go there for right after Christmas, and all they're doing is beating around the damn bush.

     On with life. I really don't consider myself anorexic.  I'm pro ana, which I consider to mean that I support those that are anorexic and don't want to recover, or do (cause I'm nice), but I'm not anorexic.

     I've never passed out from not eating.  I've never missed a period because of not weighing enough.  I've never lost hair or teeth or seen my bones through my skin.  Nothing.  I'm not anorexic.  Some say it's not a disease, it's a lifestyle? I don't even do that.  I think about food constantly.  Sure, I don't give in and binge.  I often think about food until I feel sick and can't even eat.  The smell of food has started to make me feel disgusting, and I can't eat.  You know what's worse? Every time I eat, I feel horribly guilty.  Even if it's only something small and insignificant, I feel so bad that I'll go into my room and sob.  I hate it.

     So I'm sorry to all of you who follow my blog, thinking that I'm anorexic like you.  That I restrict food and exercise and lose weight and step on a scale every chance I get.  I don't.  I'm weak and useless, and I apologize to those of you who thought better of me.  I just didn't want to lie about it any more.

     Don't get me wrong.  I want to lose weight.  I hate my body.  I hate being this fat.  I want to be skinny and pretty and feel free, but I can't.  I can't exercise enough.  I can't eat less.  I'm weak.  That's why I started this blog, hoping I wasn't the only one weighing in at a lovely 300 lbs, but I am the only one.  I don't even know what I consider myself pro-ana.  I'm just ridiculous.  I'm huge, I eat, I don't exercise.  I'm not pro ana.  I'm just fat and helpless.

     And saying all that did not cheer me up.

Question: If you were rich, what would you buy?

My Answer: I'd buy a house, completely pay for it.  I'd buy a hybrid car, to save on gas.  I'd move Eric here and go to college and never work a day in my life.  I would get lipo and be skinny and buy tons of workout equipment and never ever ever gain back any of that weight.  Most of all? I would make sure Eric and I had our own room.  We'd sleep together at night and play as many video games as he ever could have dreamed of. And every single Christmas his parents would ask to come here, I would tell them no, so they can feel the pain of rejection every... single... time.