I'm getting better at this, I believe.

I did good today, I only ate, like, ten chips from my friend in class. And drank water and Diet Dr. Pepper. Yum. It's one of the two diet sodas I'll drink, that and Mountain Dew. I don't know why. I hate regular MD but the diet just makes it so appetizing <3

Well, I'm rather bored lately, but at least le boyfriend is coming soon. Oh, random thought. Does anyone know sign language? I'm trying to learn, because all that movement is such good exercise for the arms, wouldn't ya know. Lol. Man, I'm thirsty.

If I ramble, it's my mind giving up on sleep, finally. I said I was going to bed three hours ago. Lol.

I hope I can hold off on eating tomorrow, too. Tomorrow, I plan on cleaning and doing laundry and all that stuff that'll make my stepdad happy while he's off work. I wish I had a job.

As a note, I know a lot of people aren't pro-ana, but are anorexic and not wanting to stop. What would that be called? I'm not sure what I am. I go with EDNOS, just because I don't really qualify for anything. It's like I'm retarded when it comes to food.

I eat too much, I starve for days at a time, I purge, I cut, I cry, I think about suicide. What am I?

My old therapist said anxiety, with a dash of depression, but she never asked about how I ate, but she did know that I didn't eat often enough, but, she could see how fucking fat I am.  I don't think I've lost a pound. You know what, I'm going to go weigh myself.

Last I check, I was 296.4 pounds.


Shit, I'm not going to weigh myself. I made my boyfriend tell me the exact date he's coming here, and it's the last date possible... I feel like dying.

Five more days? I could barely make it through today without wanting to stab myself straight through my fat stomach and carving out all the fat lodged inside of me.

I just.. I can't handle this anymore.... I can't wait much longer... I'm so lonely.. I'm so useless... I can't even get a job...

Know how many places I've applied to in the past year? And reapplied to when I was able to?
Fifteen fucking places. I never even got a call back. Is it because they met me? Saw how fat I was, how much I didn't work to lose weight?

Why can't I be skinny and perfect.... Why can't I get a job when everyone else does..

My really shitty friend, we'll call him Erwin, he fucking got a job just because he's a guy, and this place only had girls working. THATS THE ONLY REASON.

He complains, constantly, about not getting paid enough, the hours being too long, not having enough hours to afford things he wants, about how he back sasses his boss, or about how he got written up for refusing to fucking stop sitting on a counter.

HOW THE FUCK DID HE GET HIRED AND NOT ME? HES NEVER FUCKING WORKED BEFORE AND THIS IS WHAT THEY FUCKING GET. I WORKED MY ASS OFF THREE SUMMERS IN A ROW AT SOME SHITTY AMUSEMENT PARK AND CANT EVEN GET A GOD DAMNED INTERVIEW AT FUCKING. WALMART.


I'm beyond pissed right now.. I'm going to bed.

QOTD: How much do you weight right now?

MA: I'll post it next time, if I get at least five comments. If not, oh well, not important enough anyways.

I am, in fact, very much alive...

.. And very much fat. Two hundred and fucking ninety five pounds.. I'm a disgrace.

I need to start fasting. And fast. (Trollolol)

Well, le boyfriend is moving in in less than eleven days. I'm not allowed to know the official date, but I know when it isn't so that's good.

But I feel like such a bloated, fat, disgusting whale..

I have to lose weight by then. I have to.

What's my best bet, people? What's the best thing to do? Starve and drink water? Eat small portions of a certain food? Tell me anything that will help me, please.

I drink water pretty much nonstop now, so don't worry about that too much. I'm trying to flush out my system after the recent binging incident I had (May have to write about that later.)

I've been obsessed with Minecraft lately. Anyone Ana/Mia out there that plays, please link me to your server. Mine aren't working as of right now, so please.

Oh, my family got a scanner now. So I've been drawing. TIME TO BRING BACK....

QUESTION OF THE DAY!

Question: What animal/pokemon/neopet/something cuddly would you like me to draw? I'm bored out of my mind and need to draw, since Minecraft isn't working.

My Answer: I'm going to draw me as a Eevee. I love Eevee, such a simple, adorable pokemon, but filled with so many possibilities. It reminds me of myself.

Thank you for the support. I promise I'll be on more often, especially with the boyfriend coming here. I want him to know everything I do, even though he disagrees.

xoxo
Kitty


P.S. I've started going by "Kitty" and "Icing" lately, so have fun with that.

I Want To Die

I'm never going to be skinny. I'm not. And Eric is never going to live with me. I have to accept that.

I have no job. I'm fucking huge and disgusting. Everyone I've ever met wishes they could forget me.

My stepdad showed me where we hide the gun at. Now I know where to find it.

And I just found out where I have to shoot to kill myself instantly. I can't wait to try it.

Toodles.

I feel usless..

Yeah, I'm back guys and girls. I got a big mirror put up in my room, looked at myself, and purged. I recently found out one of my friends is a cutter and also has an eating disorder, but she's against it and trying to get fixed. I'm not.
I want to lose weight. I've stopped eating. I've been exercising.

Oh, and I haven't been here in so long, I have good news.
My parents gave the OK and said my boyfriend can move in.
Here's the thing: We're going to be moving soon too. From Indiana to Tennessee.

I'm so terrified. I hate moving. I'm too fat. I'll take up too much space. I'll never make new friends.

I'm in tears just telling you guys about it.

Well, anyways, I'm going to take pictures of myself semi-naked tomorrow and post them. You guys deserve to see me once, at least. And someday, we can look back and see the changes and such.

Any and all comments are welcome. Thank you.

Can't Decide What To Do

My ear is clogged up from swimming two days ago. Oh, and my two "best friends" came with me and my family to fireworks on the 3rd, and went and saw fireworks, together, on the fourth. I want to die. Really.

I cut up my wrist again. Started bleeding while I was webcamming with the boyfriend, and I almost died.

My ear is literally throbbing and it's killing me. I'm completely deaf in it.

Oh, and I weight 289.2 pounds right now. It's killing me. I hate being this fat. I wish I was as skinny as my friend Cherries. She's very nice looking. She's underweight and looks amazing, and I wish I looked that good.

Someone help me to lose weight. Nothing I'm doing is working.

My Weight Sucks/ Deleting my blog..

Welp, I'm at 287.4 today, and oddly enough, that's a loss, as I was 291 last time I checked. Now, though, it's on. I've been eating smaller portions, exercising a ton since we got a swimming pool, and doing a lot of exercise before I collapse into my bed at night.

And yeah, I'm thinking of deleting my blog, or, at the very least, not posting on it for a long time. :/ No one reads it or comments anymore, so it's kind of depressing.

You guys have realized how pointless I am too. Good. Great.

Oh, and I quit therapy. Got too lazy. So now I'm left to rely on myself for comfort.

It's not working....

xoxo
Cryota (The End.)

Summer Question/ I feel like I'm dying..

Okay, let's see how well this goes. I asked you guys about your favorite types of music, and here's your answers! :D

Louise: Lady Gaga, Marilyn Manson, The Used, Childish Gambino, Slipknot, Korn

Fragile Heart: Rock, alternative rock, alternative country, dance.

Sparkle Spaz: Electronic, alternative Swedish House Mafia's "Greyhound", Maroon 5, Panic at the Disco, All Time Low.

Sorry for the crappy paste, lol, and if I got any bands typed wrong :P But here's my list, and some little descriptions.

All Time Low: Very punk rockish, I love them <3 Best song, to me, "Damned If I Do Ya", "Break Your Little Heart", and "Dear Maria Count Me In".

Falling In Reverse: Kind of the same at All Time Low, but awesome. Songs? Oh here. "Raised By Wolves" and "Good Girl Bad Guys".

Brokencyde: AGH I LOVE THEM! The name is epic too :3 Songs would be "Schizophrenia" and "Monster Inside Me".

Paramore:Duh. If you haven't listened to them, yet, then wtf. <w<  My favorite song, by far, is "That's What You Get". Very powerful.

Uhh... (This is where Cryota couldn't decide what band to talk about next...)

Bo Burnham: He. Is. Fucking. Hilarious.  Please, PLEASE, if anything, listen to "I'm Bo Yo", today. PLEASE. My favorite is "Rant" but he's just.. so damn funny XD Please listen to him or watch him! (He's on Netflix.)

Five Finger Death Punch: Please don't flame me xD I like them. Songs would be "Never Enough" and, my absolute favorite, "The Tragic Truth".

Three Days Grace: Yes. Just.... yes. All the songs. ALL THE SONGS.

And lastly, please, don't hate me for being a My Little Pony fan.. xD But... There's these things on Youtube called "Pony Music Videos" that I LOVE. The best are made by DJ Alex, BronyDanceParty, and Wooden Toaster (Glaze).
List of songs: Rainbow Factory, September, 20 Percent Cooler [Please, GOD, listen to it, I love it XD], and Monster.

Welp, I just about bored you all to death :3 Oh, and my new diet? Not eating.

I'm gonna try to just sit around and drink tea and try not to eat anything. I've been texting Tiny Rose for the past few days, and she's been my only texting buddy! D: Anyone else want to text or IM? I'm going to get AOL, MSN, aanndd yahoo IM! :3 So I'll be looking for friends! Hit me up!